Carolina Casanova & The Rose: Her Unapologetic Self
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[BLANK_AUDIO]
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Yeah, just go ahead.
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You can pull it, you usually wanna talk into the top of it.
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And you'll, yeah, you can pull it closer and the more, and
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then you hear the feedback to see if your voice is good.
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>> [LAUGH]
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I've never done this.
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>> [LAUGH]
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>> It's always the first.
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>> He was just referred to big penis and
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I'm like, I'm gonna touch this thing.
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Okay, hello.
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>> It's so funny, I can hear myself.
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>> Sound good?
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>> Yeah.
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>> This is where I get sexier and sexier.
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The confidence, it builds.
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Yeah, anyway, we're gonna jump into it.
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I have Carol Lina Casanova.
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I met her in the park and she is my first guest on season two and
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I'm really excited to have you here in my fancy studio.
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It's kind of fancy, huh?
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>> It's very fancy, yes.
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I'm amazed, like the sexy microphones.
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>> The sexy microphones.
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>> And everything, cool setup.
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>> It is, but you and I are into the spirit world and
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the spirit world said, well, it's kind of like Anne Frank's house, but this time.
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>> Yeah, I like the closet where we came through.
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It's really authentic.
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>> It is.
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>> Yeah.
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>> I really like this place.
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So, shall we get into it?
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I had a bunch of questions that I wanted to ask you about your book, The Rose.
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Do you want to tell a little bit about The Rose and how it came about?
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>> Yeah, absolutely.
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So what is with The Rose?
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Like in 2009, my friend and I had like a sort of battle of the poems.
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So the goal of the poems was just to freak people out.
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And she had her imaginary boyfriend and I had mine, and the policeman.
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So I would write these poems and the goal was, oh shit.
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But that they were like as horrific as possible.
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And then we would post them on hives.
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And we were just having like a lot of fun with that.
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And around that, I just built this whole book.
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But I wrote it as like a sort of diary so
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there's a lot of memories in there and some fantasy and like it's a whole mix.
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But the goal was to just have fun and
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to never ever have somebody actually read it.
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So yeah, a couple of people have read it now, right?
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>> Now they have, yeah.
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>> [LAUGH]
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>> Well, I am one of those and I read it and I've been in your world.
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Honestly, I thought most of it was true, which made it even better for me.
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Just knowing you a little bit and I'm like, yeah, she could do that.
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She definitely could pull that off.
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But more than that, how old were you in that?
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You wrote it over like a year.
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>> No, I think like over three years.
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>> Okay.
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>> And it's actually this year that I read it myself for
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the first time because I had a friend and she asked me to co-write a book about
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Guatemala.
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While I was doing that, she asked me for this book from 2009 and I'm like,
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no, I don't want to share it.
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I'm so embarrassed.
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Nobody has ever read it.
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I haven't read it myself.
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I was like, send it, send it.
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So I sent it and she was like, my God, this is so good.
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This has to be published.
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And she was gonna publish it.
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And then things changed, didn't happen.
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And but before the deadline that she was gonna publish it,
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I actually read it for the first time and I noticed that there were some
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bridges missing.
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So I wrote some pieces, especially sex scenes, I think.
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And the ending as well, that was like horrible.
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So I wrote the ending this year.
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But it's, yeah, written in 2009 and 10 and 11 and then this year.
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So at that moment, I was about 43 now.
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Yeah.
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20, 23, something like that.
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Yeah.
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Oh, that's what I got.
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So how much of it was true?
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It's super simple.
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So for the people who know me, most of it is true, a little bit is fiction.
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I didn't really kill someone.
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For the people who don't know me, spoiler alert, for the people who don't know me,
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most of it is fiction, small part of it is real.
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Small part.
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But I did have like, I mean, I don't know you that well, but I feel like I do.
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And I was, I was lost in your imagination.
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Yeah, no, most of it is real.
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And the funny, I have one funny story.
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So I was at a meetup event.
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I really liked to meet like new people at those events.
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And I bumped into an old colleague from.
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Big international company.
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And he does marketing.
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So I was like, so nice to see you.
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And then you can market my book.
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And I did it as a joke because then I said, but my book is like really, really naughty.
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And he said, when did you write it?
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I said, well, it's the time that we're working together.
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I said, oh, my goodness gracious, that must be a horrible book.
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I said, is the moment in there that you are having like sex in the bathroom of cocos and that you go thrown out.
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And I looked at him and I'm like, what?
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You were there.
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How do you know that?
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And then I remembered that all my colleagues were there and that the bounce who kicked us out was actually like, I told all my colleagues that I got kicked out because I was trying to have sex in the bathroom.
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So I was like, OK, there goes my story about most of it being fiction because yes, a lot of things have happened.
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But in a different shape or form.
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No, fair enough.
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You're the author.
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You get to change the narrative.
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Yeah, I like it that people don't know.
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So it's like maybe it's fantasy, maybe it's something I would love to do, but I haven't done yet.
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Maybe it happened and I like it that people don't really know.
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But my voice is like all over it.
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So everybody who does read it is like, it's like I'm sitting next to you.
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That's true.
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I would say I was more than sitting next to you.
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I was in that world.
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In even planning for this, you sent me a late text message and I wonder if that's what one of the guys felt like.
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Like I was waiting for it.
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I was excited.
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But I think after reading your book, the things that dawns on me because I had a very opposite experience to you at 23.
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I don't think I didn't have sex.
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I didn't have sex until I was 35.
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And a lot of that was just, you know, I've kind of talked about this as I found my own way in this world.
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I realized, well, no, those were choices.
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I didn't want to.
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I wasn't interested in it.
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The whole world told me that I needed to be, but I just wasn't.
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And then now I'm getting interested.
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And now I feel like I have the first playbook that I can relate to written by a real woman.
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Sorry, Sex and the City.
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And I'm like, yes, this is the version of Sex and the City that I wanted.
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Yeah.
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And I have like an idea why that is, but why is that?
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Oh, that's a great question.
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Very simple.
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Everybody, well, I've watched Sex and the City like four or five times throughout my life.
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And every time I resonate with a character more than the other, which I think is intentional.
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But at the end is like, I want to have my sexuality to be as free as Samantha.
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OK.
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Oh, yeah.
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Yeah.
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But I am as emotionally like there are things that I'm working through in my family, like
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in my fountain that and I'm starting to realize the way that I have sex is very different
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than most people.
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Like we were talking about Dr. Joe.
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To me, that feels more like sex when I am creating a field or I'm out dancing and I'm
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able to connect that way.
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And I kind of came to that conclusion in a long sort of way, but that's not really
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answering the question why I want a sex in the city is like, well, I'm at that point
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where I lived a cloistered life and I learned the value of that, how to gather my creative
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energy and now I've got a reservoir.
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Like, well, what do I want to do with that?
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How do I move that onto the field?
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Yeah.
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And how do I have sex like Caroline?
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Well, I think everybody has phases in their life and then it's important indeed like what
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fits with you.
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And the funny thing for me is like the moment I got most free in my sexuality was after
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my 30s because before that, I'm from a village.
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If you sleep with three guys, you're a slut.
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And then after my 30s, I had like my 30s birthday.
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So it was just before that.
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I think there was a moment where I didn't have sex with anyone for like half a year
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or so.
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And that means that if somebody touched me, it would feel like it would hurt because I
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was longing for touch and being caressed so much that it would be so intense that I was
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like, oh, and because of that, I would put too much pressure on the guys.
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So he was like, whoa, this girl's a lot and they would leave.
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So my 30th birthday, I was like, fuck it.
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I'm going to do whatever I want to do and I'm going to take good care of my body and
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I'm going to be hugged and slept with and held all night at least once every two weeks.
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So I was sleeping around.
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And then now I had a boyfriend for like four and a half years.
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We broke up like a year ago.
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And my lesson actually is of the last year, even though I'm like, hey, I'm single.
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I should be dating again and meeting men and playing that there's more to sex than just
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sex.
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And there's also, and it sounds super spiritual, but this is really, I'm really experiencing
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these things.
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There's an energetic exchange.
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And my lesson for this year has been that before I came back from Guatemala, I go there
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for the winters.
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I already knew that I shouldn't sleep or be intimate with anyone.
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And I did it anyway, twice.
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And those two experiences were like energetically insane.
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So I know that I shouldn't sleep with anyone and really cleanse my body.
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So yes, I think like sexual freedom is really, really good.
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But the way that they're doing it now in the Netherlands, for instance, what I know is here
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in Amsterdam is that the dating scene is like, it's like quick dopamine fixes.
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They don't connect.
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They just have sex.
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Like Instagram.
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It's like Instagram, like swiping is like, I had like a few dates and they would come
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to my house and they would have a meeting afterwards an hour and a half.
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And they think that I'm going to sleep with them in that hour and a half without letting
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my body know that I'm safe without the aftercare, the hugging.
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And my rule when I was sleeping around when I wrote that book was super simple.
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When I sleep with someone, I'm going to be intimate.
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I'm going to be held all night.
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It's like I have a boyfriend for a night.
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It doesn't matter if I'm going to see you again, but I'm going to take care of my body
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and my body is going to feel safe.
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And my temple is going to be, what is that?
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Not appreciated, but like respected.
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No, even more than that, like revered.
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So I'm looking for a more expensive word.
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Like it's going to be like, I don't know the word.
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Spiritual.
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I'm looking for a very spiritual word.
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Oh, well.
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I'm not spiritual enough.
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my tempo's gonna be like, ta da!
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- Wait, wait, wait, maybe I got something for you.
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(bells ringing)
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- Oh, he's made it.
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(Ted barks)
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Oh my gosh!
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Okay, I'm so happy.
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I gotta work on the panel but we're looking for a big word.
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(Ted laughs)
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Okay.
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- More than honored.
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- Okay, so to answer your question.
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That's why I want a new playbook,
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'cause that's what I got after reading your book.
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And as my 23 year old me, who's finally coming through
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into this world, and I'm glad I took my time
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with my sexuality.
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I think as a 46 year old woman,
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or just a 46 year old person, I was like,
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you know, I'm okay that I made the choices
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because I did keep things very clean.
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You know, one STD, okay, you're on the field of long enough
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you're gonna get something, but energetic.
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And I think that that point was so big that you brought up.
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And in fact, it sparked a conversation
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with my dad and I last night, and I was thinking,
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and I started talking to my dad about sex.
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Yeah, yeah, right?
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- I'm gonna choke.
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- And I feel like, dad, you know,
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I didn't have nearly as much sex as you, so come on.
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Yeah, okay, you and mom were together for 45 years,
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but just by average.
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It was funny, he listened.
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And he allowed me, sometimes he tries to solve my thing.
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This isn't something that's solved,
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no, I'm really happy with the choices that I've made,
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the experiences that I have, even the ones that,
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what I can say for the most part is exactly what you said,
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I never really put myself in an unsafe situation.
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And your rule about, no, I need to feel safe,
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it's particularly as a woman, my body needs to feel it.
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And then you get my flower.
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- Yeah.
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- And I want my flower.
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- Yeah.
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- Yeah.
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- Yeah, I think everybody that enters your private space,
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holy moly, it has to happen with a lot of respect and love.
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And it happened to me then,
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that was one of my two experiences this year,
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the first one crossed my boundaries and was without respect.
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And there was something that lingered with me for some time.
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- Like Ali, the ghost.
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- Like Ali, the ghost, the burglar, yeah.
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- The burglar.
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- I was haunting my bedroom.
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- Kind of, right?
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- It's sort of.
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- Well, it was interesting,
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'cause what I read, that fictional story,
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but immediately right after,
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not only did you, you know, how you disposed of it,
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but then your response was to go, I have a lot of sex.
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In the book, Jan's stinky dick.
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- Uh-huh, yeah, actually, and I actually,
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so in real life I did that,
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so in my book.
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- It's funny, I have only slept with you guys
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and I know what stinky dick is.
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(laughing)
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- Well, funny thing is, so I wrote, yeah,
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so I wrote in 2009,
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but my sex poem with the under-policeman,
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I've performed that one on stage many times
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because that's my most horrific poem
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and I love the way it freaks people out.
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So I put on my sexy voice, I try to be okay
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and I start with my horny stuff
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and all the men are like, oh my God, I love this poem.
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And then at a certain moment it goes south
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with all the horrible experiences
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quite a lot of women have.
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And the men are like, fuck this,
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and they leave and the women are like, oh my God,
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now I'm really starting to enjoy this.
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And you can see certain women and they're,
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and you can see them cringe because they can feel it,
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they can taste it, they've lived that experience, so, yeah.
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- Yeah, funky energy is funky energy.
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There was a sex on the city episode,
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the funky spunk.
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Yeah.
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(laughing)
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I just feel that your book, even back to the,
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that kind of the feeling safer to even talk about
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your experience, regardless of what it is.
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And moving it towards where I feel I am so disconnected
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and that that also played in and it layered literally
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when the iPhone came out.
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If you cut, for me, like the follow me here,
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the iPhone online dating.
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It's like a jump, right?
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Where, and even in years, 'cause you're writing in seven,
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eight, nine, and that's when the 2007 women's thing,
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iPhone came out.
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And what I'm saying is it was a digit,
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it's the first time we moved into our phones and started,
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to me that was the longest relationship I had ever had,
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was with the phone and yours was with an iPad,
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although I think you were more creative than I was.
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Yeah.
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- With dirty poems, yeah.
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- With dirty poems, really dirty, no poems.
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But my point was is that there was a conscious,
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like we were already disconnected from ourselves,
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from our bodies, but to me that was a very big tipping point
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in how we related to relationships and to sex.
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Like everything became very disposable.
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It's kind of what you were mentioning earlier.
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- Well, I also have in the book that I tried online dating
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and I quit really fast, that's how I--
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- Met Jan.
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- Met Jan, yeah.
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But that is true, like dating apps for me is never a thing
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because I'm very sensitive.
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So for me it's like if I see someone and it's like connection,
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I just feel that right away.
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I can't see that from a picture.
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I'm pretty good sometimes in like reading a person
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from a picture, but if I look at all my male friends,
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I have ridiculously handsome male friends
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from every different country
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and I think they're like freaking amazing
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and I love them and I respect them,
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but I wouldn't want to date them
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because I know what they do.
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They're maybe, I don't know, like sleeping around or whatever.
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But if I would have seen pictures on them on a dating app,
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I would probably swipe to the side that I would heart them
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and I'd probably go on a date with them.
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So I think if I see somebody in real life,
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it's easier to read someone and to make better decisions
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than based from an app.
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Wholeheartedly.
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Yeah, so for me it's never, ever worked.
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No, no.
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I don't think it works in general,
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but I know people have had success.
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Yeah.
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But from an, I will be completely honest,
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I am projecting my own experience into this.
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Yeah, and for me that also works that way.
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I meet people in real life,
18:32-18:36
but I do know there are people who have beautiful relationships
18:36-18:41
and they met their partner on a dating app, so it's possible.
18:41-18:44
But my experience is so poor that if I try like two, three times,
18:44-18:46
I'm like, dude, go f yourself.
18:46-18:48
I don't want to do this shit.
18:48-18:49
No dating apps?
18:49-18:50
No.
18:50-18:52
And so now, are you dating?
18:52-18:54
No, I'm on a non-dating agreement.
18:54-18:57
I'm absolutely no kissing with anyone.
18:57-18:59
In the last three months, I hugged two guys,
18:59-19:02
which was really nice, but nothing else.
19:02-19:07
And I'm gonna wait till I'm in Guatemala.
19:07-19:10
People actually still connect.
19:10-19:12
They do connect in Guatemala.
19:12-19:15
I think when, not that Latin men, sorry.
19:15-19:16
No, no, no.
19:16-19:17
Where's the camera?
19:17-19:18
You gotta bring it.
19:18-19:21
Dear Latin men, I am so sorry for what I'm about to say.
19:21-19:23
Most of you are slut.
19:23-19:27
So, so meaning bad.
19:27-19:30
But everybody's on the same playing field, at least, there.
19:30-19:33
Well, what you have is, I don't know, it's like,
19:33-19:39
I have lunch on the pavement with a man that cooks at home.
19:39-19:43
He cooks like eight portions, or maybe more, maybe 12.
19:43-19:44
And then we sit on the pavement, we eat.
19:44-19:47
And because I eat there every day, people know that I'm there.
19:47-19:49
So they come and eat with me.
19:49-19:50
And then people walk by.
19:50-19:55
And the men that I met there, I meet them because I'm just eating
19:55-19:56
and they come and join me.
19:56-20:01
And then, for instance, once I'm eating my lunch
20:01-20:03
and there's a guy.
20:03-20:05
And right away he shows interest.
20:05-20:06
And me too.
20:06-20:08
So I was sniffing on him.
20:08-20:09
And then he asked my number.
20:09-20:12
And within an hour, I get a message like,
20:12-20:13
do you wake up early?
20:13-20:15
And yeah, to drink coffee.
20:15-20:17
So now, actually tea.
20:17-20:20
I said, tomorrow I'm going to pick you up at your hostel.
20:20-20:22
I'm going to take you out for tea.
20:22-20:23
And then we go out for tea.
20:23-20:26
And we're talking and walking all day.
20:26-20:27
And then we go kayaking.
20:27-20:29
And he's in the water.
20:29-20:30
It's very deep.
20:30-20:32
So I'm making mud dicks on his body.
20:32-20:34
And we're having fun.
20:34-20:36
And he didn't even try to sleep with me.
20:36-20:40
We're just connecting before something would happen.
20:40-20:43
And yeah, also because it's a village,
20:43-20:47
I will bump into them almost every day.
20:47-20:49
And there's no thing like, oh, we
20:49-20:52
have to wait two, three days before I call someone or whatever.
20:52-20:54
No, he's going to call me the next day.
20:54-20:56
Just no bullshit.
20:56-20:58
Just a flow.
20:58-20:59
Yeah.
20:59-21:01
I think that's what I was trying to suggest earlier,
21:01-21:04
is there was a moment for me very clearly,
21:04-21:06
because I was tracking these things, where
21:06-21:10
that sort of flow in life changed.
21:10-21:13
And the digital-- well, I'll put it this way.
21:13-21:16
I ended up here in this world.
21:16-21:17
Because I was following the flow,
21:17-21:22
but it went through a different medium this time.
21:22-21:25
And I like your flow a lot better.
21:25-21:27
I like being in the flow.
21:27-21:28
And in fact, even my own life, the more
21:28-21:33
I can detach from digital devices, the better.
21:33-21:34
I really like that.
21:34-21:36
In Guatemala, nobody walks with their phone.
21:36-21:40
And there's no rules here.
21:40-21:43
Basma was writing the book that would happen as well.
21:43-21:45
I was still drinking at that time.
21:45-21:47
I would go out, I meet a guy.
21:47-21:49
Because I'm drunk, I'll put my number in their phone
21:49-21:51
as goddess or whatever.
21:51-21:54
So always goddess.
21:54-21:55
That's true.
21:55-21:57
Carolina Casanova, because that was already
21:57-21:59
my stage name at that moment.
21:59-22:01
Or it would be goddess.
22:01-22:03
And then months later, I would get a call.
22:03-22:05
It's like, who does that?
22:05-22:07
And I'm like, who's this person?
22:07-22:09
And I'm like, I really liked you.
22:09-22:11
And I was looking in my phone, because I really want to call you.
22:11-22:14
And I remembered your name was Caroline.
22:14-22:16
La, la, la.
22:16-22:18
And then weeks later, I'm looking.
22:18-22:19
I want to call my friend Gerald.
22:19-22:20
And I see goddess.
22:20-22:23
I'm like, who the fuck is goddess?
22:23-22:24
And I'm like, oh my goodness.
22:24-22:27
That must be this crazy girl.
22:27-22:28
So I would mess with them.
22:28-22:30
But there would be guys.
22:30-22:31
And they would wait like two, three days
22:31-22:33
before they send a message.
22:33-22:35
Dude, you're fucking blocked.
22:35-22:38
I hope I can swear I said it.
22:38-22:39
Before I said--
22:39-22:40
Only my sister objects.
22:40-22:42
But she wants the kids to listen.
22:42-22:42
I get it.
22:42-22:43
Dear sister.
22:43-22:44
Sorry, kids.
22:44-22:48
Sorry, I said the word F. So I'm a dude.
22:48-22:50
And then it's like, yeah.
22:50-22:54
But if I message you after a day,
22:54-22:55
I might come across too greedy.
22:55-22:56
Isn't it?
22:56-22:57
No, that's just the flow.
22:57-23:00
If you like me, you're going to text me probably
23:00-23:01
before I get home.
23:01-23:03
If you really like me, you also want
23:03-23:04
to know when you're going to meet me.
23:04-23:08
So my last boyfriend, I met him in the park.
23:08-23:10
Made the mistake of thinking that I was younger.
23:10-23:12
So he was much younger than I was.
23:12-23:16
But I told him, if we kiss, you're going to be my boyfriend.
23:16-23:18
He's like, that's OK.
23:18-23:21
And then with him, I slept on the same evening.
23:21-23:24
And the next day, he was like, I'm going to go home.
23:24-23:25
And I'm like, OK, this dude's going to leave.
23:25-23:28
We already slept together, so I'm not going to see him again.
23:28-23:30
And then I'll come back, and I'll pick you up,
23:30-23:32
and we'll go to the park again.
23:32-23:33
I'm like, oh, really?
23:33-23:34
And we saw each other every day.
23:34-23:36
And he would like, if I send a message--
23:36-23:38
and still, even though he's my ex, if I send a message,
23:38-23:41
he just responds within as soon as he can.
23:41-23:42
There's no rules.
23:42-23:45
There's not like trying to break the flow.
23:45-23:46
Just natural.
23:46-23:47
I love that.
23:47-23:50
See, this is where I think you've given me a better playbook
23:50-23:51
than Sex and the City.
23:51-23:53
Because Sex and the City was the chase.
23:53-23:55
They were-- you know what I mean?
23:55-23:55
What a waste.
23:55-23:58
Exactly.
23:58-24:01
Every experience I've had, regardless of how it came to me,
24:01-24:04
that's when I started realizing that it was for me.
24:04-24:08
Every person I slept with, whether--
24:08-24:10
well, yeah.
24:10-24:14
Sometimes it was a lesson that's like, oh, this isn't for me.
24:14-24:15
Yeah.
24:15-24:17
And that was for me, too.
24:17-24:19
But especially the relationships,
24:19-24:21
even though I've never been in a long-term relationship--
24:21-24:23
by that, I mean more than five months.
24:23-24:25
I had one of those.
24:25-24:26
I was very proud of that.
24:26-24:32
They were always short, but I realized why.
24:39-24:41
I made another choice.
24:41-24:45
Something energetically in me blocked that from happening.
24:45-24:50
And I used to wonder why until I realized.
24:50-24:54
There was always something in it for me to learn and let go.
24:54-24:56
And the challenge I had was that I didn't always
24:56-24:59
keep a clean house.
24:59-25:02
In order to be in the flow, it's like once you have a relationship,
25:02-25:04
just allow it to be exactly what it was,
25:04-25:08
and then move on to whatever the next relationship is.
25:08-25:11
I can take this down into a day.
25:11-25:13
And my whole day is now-- and I think
25:13-25:15
I told you at the beginning-- the only reason why I want
25:15-25:18
to do this show is just to fall in love over and over again,
25:18-25:20
with whoever's in the room with me,
25:20-25:25
regardless of whether we're in a romantic relationship or not.
25:25-25:27
That's kind of like the Jesus Code.
25:27-25:29
When you love yourself that much and you're
25:29-25:34
creating that sort of field, I know what it does to people.
25:34-25:36
And that trust in what it does.
25:36-25:43
So why wouldn't I want to get to that level every day?
25:43-25:46
And it becomes fun for me, because if I break down
25:46-25:49
my stereotypical notions of what love is,
25:49-25:52
then I start to see it all around me.
25:52-25:55
That's-- for me, it's--
25:55-26:04
So is it then that being in love with just everyone
26:04-26:06
and taking the lessons?
26:06-26:08
So that's why you would be with somebody
26:08-26:11
for a shorter period of time to learn your lesson from it,
26:11-26:13
but also because you just have a lot of love also
26:13-26:15
to other people?
26:15-26:16
Or--
26:16-26:20
I have the love for myself.
26:20-26:24
And then if I have that true love for myself
26:24-26:26
and I'm sitting across from another person,
26:26-26:32
I see that version of myself in them back to me.
26:32-26:34
And I'm like, oh, I'm fucking hot.
26:34-26:36
And I've lived with a great adventure.
26:36-26:38
And some of it's just a--
26:38-26:39
how do you say, to trick my mind?
26:39-26:42
It's like, well, it's all for me.
26:42-26:45
Everything that happens, plus it neutralizes things
26:45-26:46
that they don't stay charged.
26:46-26:48
So if you think from a quantum level,
26:48-26:54
like I easily come into the situation, understand.
26:54-26:55
Just doesn't even matter what it is.
26:55-26:57
There doesn't have to have a meaning.
26:57-26:58
It just happened.
26:58-27:02
And allow it to happen unfold like that flower.
27:02-27:06
For me, the best sex I've ever had is like, it just unfolds.
27:06-27:07
Your body unfolds.
27:07-27:10
It allows everything to be received.
27:10-27:13
Like the best orgasm I ever had was definitely
27:13-27:18
that with the trustee vibrator.
27:18-27:21
But at least I know what it is.
27:21-27:23
But it's about your body feeling safe.
27:23-27:24
Yes.
27:24-27:26
Absolutely.
27:26-27:28
But it's taken me a longer journey
27:28-27:31
to figure out what safe feels like.
27:31-27:33
But it's hard, like what is safe.
27:33-27:36
It's like-- that's what I say.
27:36-27:39
Here in Amsterdam, people are having sex really fast.
27:39-27:41
And they think that they're open.
27:41-27:42
And they think they feel safe.
27:42-27:44
But does their body truly feel safe?
27:44-27:46
You have to be truly in touch with your body
27:46-27:51
in order to realize that your body actually feels safe.
27:51-27:54
And a lot of people are not fully in touch with their bodies.
27:54-27:57
So it's like, when are you fully safe?
27:57-28:00
I think-- I know when I'm fully safe.
28:00-28:04
But then there's these work that says you need-- what is it?
28:04-28:08
I think I have 40 minutes of foreplay or something.
28:08-28:10
I'm like, dude, that's so long.
28:10-28:11
That's boring.
28:11-28:12
I just want to get laid.
28:12-28:16
So meaning maybe I didn't even reach the point of knowing
28:16-28:17
when my body feels safe.
28:17-28:21
Yeah.
28:21-28:23
Yeah.
28:23-28:30
So my idea of floor play is to seduce people from every moment.
28:30-28:31
Now, it doesn't always happen.
28:31-28:34
But the more that I can create a stable field for myself
28:34-28:37
that I feel safe in--
28:37-28:38
and that's the only thing I can--
28:38-28:41
because what you're talking about, I know.
28:41-28:44
But I'll be honest, I haven't had sex in a very long time.
28:44-28:45
So I don't know.
28:45-28:46
But I'm curious about it.
28:46-28:48
First time in a long time.
28:48-28:49
Now I have your book.
28:49-28:52
And I'm going to be more aware.
28:52-28:54
What feels good?
28:54-28:55
Well, I'll tell you what I did do.
28:55-28:58
I spent a lot of time masturbating again
28:58-29:01
and making it feel safe for me so that I knew.
29:01-29:04
And I could be aware of my own body
29:04-29:08
and help other people understand what made me feel good.
29:08-29:11
Yeah, which is really important to know your own body.
29:11-29:14
And I think also to--
29:14-29:16
so for women, maybe men too.
29:16-29:19
But anyway, for women, your sexual energy
29:19-29:21
is like your life force energy.
29:21-29:22
Yes.
29:22-29:25
So meaning I had a friend who didn't--
29:25-29:26
she didn't have sex for a long time.
29:26-29:28
And she was like, yeah, I don't--
29:28-29:30
like my libido is just gone.
29:30-29:32
I just feel like, ugh, like lame.
29:32-29:33
And I was like, you know what?
29:33-29:35
Just bring it back.
29:35-29:36
It doesn't even have to be masturbation.
29:36-29:39
But could be that too, just playing with yourself
29:39-29:41
or discovering what your body likes.
29:41-29:44
But it could just be feeling feminine, feeling sexy.
29:44-29:48
And then I would tell her, wear a sexy lingerie just
29:48-29:50
for yourself, even though nobody's going to see it.
29:50-29:53
Or when you drop your key of your bike, pick it up,
29:53-29:54
but put your butt back.
29:54-29:58
Or in every movement, just bring out that sexuality
29:58-30:05
and then start to feel desirable and that sex--
30:05-30:09
and it will bring back your feminine power.
30:09-30:11
So even with-- if you're masturbating a lot,
30:11-30:13
probably your vibe's going to change, your vibration,
30:13-30:15
you're going to attract somebody more quickly.
30:15-30:20
And then you can indeed explain how you like it.
30:20-30:22
Well, maybe you're giving me the key to attract somebody
30:22-30:24
faster, which is start to masturbate more often.
30:24-30:27
As soon as my dad gets out of my house.
30:27-30:30
It's been two months.
30:30-30:35
I'm like a teenager again going back in the shower.
30:35-30:36
Don't tell him.
30:36-30:42
No, I think it's funny.
30:42-30:45
This is exactly why I loved your book.
30:45-30:50
And now when I read it, I read it as true.
30:50-30:51
Most of it is.
30:51-30:53
Yeah, which was wonderful.
30:53-30:56
If you're not my friend, then it's all fiction.
30:56-30:56
It's all fiction.
30:56-30:57
It's all fiction.
30:57-30:58
It's all fiction.
30:58-31:00
What is the wonderful fiction that actually happens?
31:00-31:02
It's a wonderful fiction that actually
31:02-31:04
happened in one way or another.
31:04-31:05
Yeah.
31:05-31:08
Well, just to kind of riff on something you said is like,
31:08-31:10
when you live in the flow, whether it's--
31:10-31:13
you're living in the creative energy.
31:13-31:16
It's literally creating those moments,
31:16-31:19
having those moments, being open to those moments,
31:19-31:21
allowing your body to feel safe.
31:21-31:24
Because you don't have those moments if you don't feel safe.
31:24-31:26
Literally, fight or flight, your nervous system
31:26-31:29
goes into somewhere else.
31:29-31:33
You're either in the future or you're in the past.
31:33-31:37
And back to the idea of I want to live present as much
31:37-31:40
as possible, whatever time I have left.
31:40-31:44
Yeah, so there we go.
31:44-31:48
Any other thoughts on the book that you
31:48-31:49
want to share about it?
31:49-31:51
[SIDE CONVERSATION]
31:51-32:00
I can share my personal experience.
32:00-32:03
Yeah, and you're writing a new book, right?
32:03-32:04
Oh, yeah.
32:04-32:06
I'm like, goodness gracious.
32:06-32:10
So this summer, indeed, I'm in the creative flow.
32:10-32:13
So I just wake up in the morning and I have all these stories.
32:13-32:14
And I just want to write.
32:14-32:15
And then I can't--
32:15-32:17
I'm writing and doing creative things until midnight.
32:17-32:19
And I'm like, goodness gracious.
32:19-32:20
I have to sleep, but I can't sleep.
32:20-32:21
And the next day, it happens again.
32:21-32:25
So I am really in this flow of I can't stop.
32:25-32:27
And I have all these stories ready,
32:27-32:31
which is especially going to be over the last 7 and 1/2 years.
32:31-32:34
So I'm going to write a lot about my experiences,
32:34-32:37
which is people will read them like, oh,
32:37-32:39
this must be a fantasy.
32:39-32:40
But it's actually real.
32:40-32:43
Like, I've had crazy and sane years.
32:43-32:44
And I have all these stories.
32:44-32:46
And they're all boiled up.
32:46-32:49
And I can't wait to write them down.
32:49-32:51
So I'm going to Guatemala really soon.
32:51-32:54
And most of the time that I'm there,
32:54-32:57
I really hope I'm going to spend on just writing
32:57-33:00
and then creating that second book, which is going to actually
33:00-33:03
be called Unapologetically Myself.
33:03-33:04
Yes.
33:04-33:08
And that is-- and also with the first book it is--
33:08-33:12
like, I shared something that I never thought I would share.
33:12-33:16
I don't have a plan when I start writing.
33:16-33:17
It just flows.
33:17-33:20
Like, memories come out of this little memory box
33:20-33:21
in my brain.
33:21-33:24
And things just come out.
33:24-33:31
And I write it on purpose as if nobody would ever read it.
33:31-33:33
And at that moment, I thought nobody would ever read it.
33:33-33:36
I wasn't planning on publishing at all.
33:36-33:37
Now people are reading.
33:37-33:40
And I'm like, this is so weird, but also so cool.
33:40-33:41
But also the next book, I'm going to write it
33:41-33:43
as if nobody's ever going to read it.
33:43-33:46
So I'm going to put as much of myself in there
33:46-33:48
as I did in the other two books.
33:48-33:53
And then if I do have a goal, it would
33:53-33:58
be to inspire to be their full version of themselves
33:58-34:03
and to do what feels good and to listen to their needs,
34:03-34:05
whatever that might be.
34:05-34:07
And it could be not being intimate with anyone,
34:07-34:10
like taking care of your body like what I'm doing now.
34:10-34:11
But the moment you want to be free
34:11-34:14
and you want to be sexually active,
34:14-34:18
to do it in a way that fits you.
34:18-34:23
And just with everything in life, just listen to your own voice
34:23-34:24
and be your own person.
34:24-34:29
And be as expressive and crazy and weird as you want to be.
34:29-34:33
Or if you're, I don't know, autistic,
34:33-34:34
just be as autistic as you are.
34:34-34:37
Or if you're-- I don't want to do stamps or whatever.
34:37-34:40
But if you have-- just be whoever you are.
34:40-34:42
Because if you are truly yourself,
34:42-34:44
you're the most beautiful version of yourself.
34:44-34:46
Yes.
34:46-34:49
I don't think I could have said that any better.
34:49-34:52
But what I can say is that you have inspired me.
34:52-34:55
And it was kind of procrastinating,
34:55-34:59
which happens to get this show really rolling.
34:59-35:00
But you've given me more confidence
35:00-35:04
that this is actually the right thing and the right path
35:04-35:09
and to allow more beautiful people like you who
35:09-35:10
are doing amazing things.
35:10-35:13
And I can't read to read the second book mostly,
35:13-35:19
because what I want to compare is how much of what you learned
35:19-35:23
at 23 comes through at 43.
35:23-35:23
I don't know.
35:23-35:24
Do we have time?
35:24-35:26
Because I can say that the second book is going
35:26-35:27
to be so different.
35:27-35:28
Because I've--
35:28-35:29
That's what I--
35:29-35:31
It's like-- yeah, but it's going to be like--
35:31-35:33
it's not the opposite, because it's still going to be mean.
35:33-35:36
But it's like-- so it's going to be of the last 7 and 1/2 years,
35:36-35:38
or eight years.
35:38-35:39
That's when I did my first Joe Dispens.
35:39-35:40
My workshop.
35:40-35:44
Since then, my sex life has gone to shit,
35:44-35:47
because I had all these crazy experiences.
35:47-35:49
And I would scare men.
35:49-35:51
And I would become so conscious of myself
35:51-35:55
that I couldn't do what I've been doing in 2009.
35:55-35:57
OK.
35:57-36:01
So my dating, I've always blown people away.
36:01-36:04
They just leave my whole life.
36:04-36:11
So I'm fascinated about this part of the flip from your 20s
36:11-36:14
into your 30s and 40s.
36:14-36:20
And only because I know how powerful that experience was
36:20-36:24
for you, what happened in the field.
36:24-36:26
Because without judging it.
36:26-36:28
So that's what I had to do with myself.
36:28-36:31
And in fact, the last four years since we got into it--
36:31-36:33
and if you have more time--
36:33-36:37
what I did was in order to neutralize the field,
36:37-36:38
because I was chasing.
36:38-36:40
I would chase.
36:40-36:42
And I don't want to chase anymore.
36:42-36:43
I'm the flower.
36:43-36:45
Let's see what comes to the flower.
36:45-36:45
Good.
36:45-36:46
Be goddess.
36:46-36:46
Yeah.
36:46-36:48
Be your own goddess.
36:48-36:50
But then I had to accept what was happening.
36:50-36:56
And I would attract Moroccan men, Turkish men, beautiful men.
36:56-36:58
I have had some of the most amazing experiences.
36:58-37:03
And what I feel why I got these experiences.
37:03-37:05
Once I was conscious of, oh, no, OK,
37:05-37:08
just see what's coming to you was the opportunity
37:08-37:11
as a queer person walking around in this world today, where
37:11-37:15
it's going to be scary, being able to step into that
37:15-37:18
and have these men just love me for that evening,
37:18-37:20
for that moment.
37:20-37:22
And we had amazing nights.
37:22-37:25
And every time I would say, yeah, that's great, but I'm queer,
37:25-37:26
that's OK.
37:26-37:28
OK, then we can do this.
37:28-37:29
Like, if you can meet me where I'm at,
37:29-37:33
and here are my boundaries, and we can meet energetically
37:33-37:37
and have that sort of beautiful experience hold each other,
37:37-37:41
at least energetically.
37:41-37:42
That's exactly.
37:42-37:49
But it wasn't what I wanted, but it was what I needed.
37:49-37:52
What did you need then?
37:52-37:57
I needed to feel safe in my body around anybody.
37:57-38:00
Man, woman doesn't matter, so that I
38:00-38:03
could recognize in my place where I wasn't holding
38:03-38:06
my own integrity.
38:06-38:09
When you got into an intimate and I would get into my head,
38:09-38:10
and that just kills.
38:10-38:13
That's the biggest boner killer ever.
38:13-38:17
So to be more the soft parts, like being hugged, caressed,
38:17-38:21
and not the actual activity part?
38:21-38:26
Yeah, but not by women, although that was manifesting there.
38:26-38:28
Like, when I would be with women, it
38:28-38:31
would be their masculine side, because it's
38:31-38:33
a masculine feminine balance.
38:33-38:39
And in a homosexual relationship, it becomes a little more--
38:39-38:42
we all take on roles, and I could just see.
38:42-38:46
I could see where I wasn't able to read my lover or express
38:46-38:48
to them what I needed.
38:48-38:52
And spending a lot of time with queer friends,
38:52-38:55
I listen to a lot of stories, because we all
38:55-38:56
talk about our relationships.
38:56-38:59
And I would start to hear the same patterns
38:59-39:00
in those relationships.
39:00-39:02
And then a lot of my gay friends will like, duh,
39:02-39:07
because normative roles don't work for us.
39:07-39:10
We have to be more aware of--
39:10-39:12
well, maybe, maybe not.
39:12-39:14
But I realize I had to.
39:14-39:16
I can imagine what you--
39:16-39:17
I can imagine as well.
39:17-39:20
Like, I have my masculine and my feminine part.
39:20-39:24
I think I feel pretty imbalanced with them.
39:24-39:26
I would say you feel pretty imbalanced.
39:26-39:28
Yeah, I feel really imbalanced as well,
39:28-39:31
and so is what I get back from people.
39:31-39:33
Just based on your confidence.
39:33-39:34
Yeah.
39:34-39:34
Thank you.
39:34-39:36
You're welcome.
39:36-39:38
It's good.
39:38-39:41
But I have been also more in my masculine part
39:41-39:44
for a period when I really had to protect my son
39:44-39:45
and take care of him.
39:45-39:47
And I had to protect myself.
39:52-39:56
I can imagine as well if you're both women
39:56-39:58
or if you're both men, that one is more
39:58-40:02
masculine or feminine, no matter what your sex is.
40:02-40:09
Yeah, regardless, we wear masks.
40:09-40:13
Masks, but also in certain periods of life,
40:13-40:16
you might tune in more in your masculine side
40:16-40:19
or your feminine side.
40:19-40:20
Like, if I--
40:20-40:21
I love what you're saying.
40:21-40:21
I get it.
40:21-40:24
Yeah, because if I look at the Netherlands,
40:24-40:27
what I love about--
40:27-40:29
I'm so much in love with Guatemala is insane.
40:29-40:33
But anyway, what I love there is that the men that I meet,
40:33-40:34
they're very masculine.
40:34-40:36
And the women that I meet, they're very feminine.
40:36-40:39
If I compare that to what I see in Amsterdam,
40:39-40:43
there's a lot of women that are actually pretty masculine
40:43-40:46
and a lot of men that are pretty feminine.
40:46-40:52
So then if we go back to if you have like eight couples,
40:52-40:55
you can have two women, but you can have a very masculine
40:55-40:58
woman or you can have a very feminine woman.
40:58-41:00
And if you have that together, you still
41:00-41:02
have that role pattern of man and woman.
41:02-41:05
But I can imagine for you-- and that was actually my question.
41:05-41:07
So you would just hug with those men.
41:07-41:09
I can imagine for you to hug with a man
41:09-41:11
and to be held by him.
41:11-41:13
That's a different energy than it is
41:13-41:14
if you do that with a woman.
41:14-41:19
Like I'm just going like the last period, last three months,
41:19-41:21
I didn't feel safe to be with a man.
41:21-41:24
And I've really close myself because of an experience
41:24-41:25
that I had.
41:25-41:31
And then what is really important for me
41:31-41:34
were the two hugs that I got that were intimate and sweet.
41:34-41:36
And I felt held and protected.
41:36-41:42
And it's good for my body to feel safe in the arms of a man.
41:42-41:45
And I can be hugged by my female friends,
41:45-41:46
and I would not feel the same.
41:46-41:49
It wouldn't teach my body to be safe with a man
41:49-41:52
if I'm hugged by a woman.
41:52-41:55
Yes.
41:55-41:58
Yeah, I'm wholeheartedly with you.
41:58-42:00
Well, even for myself, I had to break--
42:00-42:02
well, I'll put it this way.
42:02-42:06
Also because when I'm with a woman,
42:06-42:09
sometimes you have to your point, some of it's
42:09-42:12
your life cycle, where you might tap into one or the other
42:12-42:16
or even through a day, where you might tap into one more
42:16-42:18
than another based on situations.
42:18-42:21
So for example, when I'm flowing in what
42:21-42:24
I call my flower estate, where I have no boundaries
42:24-42:28
and then I can let people see my true essence freely.
42:28-42:30
Now, you can't walk around on the street like that.
42:30-42:31
I've tried.
42:31-42:33
I've tried.
42:33-42:34
Why not?
42:34-42:35
Which part not?
42:35-42:36
Because it depends.
42:36-42:38
If I'm very free and very flowery,
42:38-42:41
I feel that I can walk around like myself in Amsterdam
42:41-42:43
and be ignored and treated like a crazy person.
42:43-42:46
But I think all the while, I kind of know here I do it anyway.
42:46-42:49
But maybe you're being a flower and expressive
42:49-42:52
is different than mine.
42:52-42:57
Well, sometimes I realize it's more about discernment.
42:57-43:00
And because I've walked around like that and I love it.
43:00-43:01
But how?
43:01-43:03
Explain it.
43:03-43:05
The best way I can explain it is the game
43:05-43:09
of what I would call chicken with what I call gaseous eyes.
43:09-43:12
And where I have free access.
43:12-43:15
And the only thing that I broadcast is like, here's the truth.
43:15-43:17
And I'll catch people's eyes.
43:17-43:19
It's just a game.
43:19-43:19
I'll look.
43:19-43:22
We call it the witch's eye.
43:22-43:22
I do that, though.
43:22-43:24
I've been doing that now.
43:24-43:26
That's why I scare men.
43:26-43:27
Yes, yes.
43:27-43:28
It's really intimidating.
43:28-43:29
Exactly.
43:29-43:30
I do that.
43:30-43:32
I'm like, fuck it.
43:32-43:33
I picked that up.
43:33-43:35
Immediately, you knew what you were doing.
43:35-43:38
Yeah, I'm aware of like, I'm just sending out who I am.
43:38-43:41
And if you don't like it, you can indeed ignore me
43:41-43:42
or walk me by.
43:42-43:43
Yeah.
43:43-43:45
Well, when I started doing that, I
43:45-43:48
started cataloging the reactions.
43:48-43:49
Not taking it personal.
43:49-43:51
And that's when I would start.
43:51-43:54
But a couple of times, I'd had guys follow me home.
43:54-43:56
Like, follow me.
43:56-43:58
Even here in the Netherlands, which
43:58-44:00
is a pretty safe place to play this game.
44:00-44:02
OK.
44:02-44:04
I wouldn't play this game in Morocco with the same--
44:04-44:08
although my friend gave me some advice on how
44:08-44:09
to play that in Morocco.
44:09-44:14
I think the importance is when you play that game.
44:14-44:16
So it's actually the game that you look at someone
44:16-44:19
and you're looking in their soul and you're really connecting.
44:19-44:20
Correct.
44:20-44:21
And it's actually in a flirtatious way,
44:21-44:23
in a goddess way, if you would say.
44:23-44:26
Yeah, it can't be in a way.
44:26-44:27
In a what way?
44:27-44:29
Inviting way.
44:29-44:30
Inviting way.
44:30-44:30
OK.
44:30-44:31
So you can do that.
44:31-44:34
So--
44:34-44:34
Oh, there goes the beep.
44:34-44:36
We're OK.
44:36-44:37
Thank you.
44:37-44:38
It's off.
44:38-44:39
It's off.
44:39-44:40
OK.
44:40-44:41
But then we stop?
44:41-44:42
No, we can keep going.
44:42-44:43
OK.
44:43-44:46
But it's not recorded or just recorded?
44:46-44:47
That was the video that my dad was doing.
44:47-44:48
Oh, yeah.
44:48-44:48
OK.
44:48-44:50
OK.
44:50-44:57
So we were talking earlier about vulnerability,
44:57-44:58
but not here.
44:58-44:59
Yeah.
44:59-45:02
So if I do a recap of what we discussed earlier--
45:02-45:06
so during my Judd-Espenze event, my biggest gift
45:06-45:09
is that I can be vulnerable without getting hurt.
45:09-45:13
So you can have the same thing with being inviting
45:13-45:15
and being flirtatious.
45:15-45:16
If I turn that button on--
45:16-45:19
like, I turned it off when I was in my four and a half year
45:19-45:20
relationship.
45:20-45:22
Nobody flirted with me because I turned it off.
45:22-45:25
When I broke up, I turned it back on and it still works.
45:25-45:27
I can get like shillows of tension.
45:27-45:31
But I do it in such a way that I'm very flirtatious.
45:31-45:33
I'm very open.
45:33-45:36
Everybody might look or whoever I want to look,
45:36-45:39
but they're not going to cross my boundaries.
45:39-45:40
How do you do that?
45:40-45:42
And--
45:42-45:44
Giving out.
45:44-45:46
So how do I do that?
45:46-45:48
Because it's the same as vulnerability.
45:48-45:49
Like, you can be vulnerable and you can get--
45:49-45:52
you can attract people that want to hurt you.
45:52-45:53
And I don't have that anymore.
45:53-45:56
I can be vulnerable, but people feel
45:56-46:00
that they shouldn't hurt me because if they cross my boundaries,
46:00-46:02
I'm going to kick their asses or--
46:02-46:04
I'm going to kick their butts.
46:04-46:06
I'm going to punch them in the fucking face.
46:06-46:07
Anyway, they're fucked.
46:07-46:09
So don't cross my boundaries.
46:09-46:12
And it's the same thing as with flirting.
46:12-46:16
If I'm flirting, I'm in control, baby.
46:16-46:17
Don't cross my boundaries.
46:17-46:20
Don't follow me home because I'll fuck you up.
46:20-46:21
So what is that?
46:21-46:27
That is giving out a--
46:27-46:28
it's like giving out a clear signal.
46:28-46:30
So if you're--
46:30-46:35
if you do it with confidence, if it's from your own voice,
46:35-46:38
it's a very clear signal in which you flirt and which
46:38-46:43
you attract, but you also show that you have your boundaries.
46:43-46:47
But it has to do with how you truly feel.
46:47-46:49
So if you truly--
46:49-46:52
like, if there's an insecurity, if you have certain boundaries
46:52-46:57
and you're not sure about it, if your signal isn't clear,
46:57-46:58
people might get-- that's the reason
46:58-47:00
why I'm not dating this year.
47:00-47:04
It's like I'm attracting equals.
47:04-47:07
So I'm sending a very clear frequency out.
47:07-47:10
This is who I am.
47:10-47:12
And I'm attracting then-- for me, then guys--
47:12-47:14
that are on the same frequency.
47:14-47:17
But because I'm not in tune with that frequency,
47:17-47:21
I haven't catched up with who my new version of myself
47:21-47:23
is like, there's still an opening
47:23-47:26
that they can do things with me that are not OK.
47:26-47:27
That's why I'm not dating now.
47:27-47:29
But the moment that my frequency is clear again,
47:29-47:32
which it was always before as well,
47:32-47:34
I attract, but they don't cross my boundaries
47:34-47:39
because they know that I would not accept.
47:39-47:40
They'll be in trouble.
47:40-47:44
Yeah.
47:44-47:45
Yeah.
47:45-47:47
Well, in this endeavor, what I would say to you
47:47-47:51
is the moments that I have had those interactions,
47:51-47:54
it was an opportunity for me to lean in.
47:54-48:00
And everything that I learned playing with men
48:00-48:05
in the last four years was how to receive them, not reject them,
48:05-48:08
but set a boundary of how we could meet.
48:08-48:10
And I think that's what I was trying to say earlier.
48:10-48:14
And it sounds like I'm actually doing what you're telling me,
48:14-48:16
which makes me feel good.
48:16-48:17
Sending out a clear message.
48:17-48:18
Sending out a clear message.
48:18-48:21
And even if-- because I've been on the dense floor,
48:21-48:22
especially if people are on drugs.
48:22-48:26
And then I'll go in there and I know what frequency I'm setting.
48:26-48:30
I call it the ISIS, or sometimes I'll play my favorite hits,
48:30-48:33
which is Tina Turner's Legs, or something like that.
48:33-48:36
That makes me feel like you were saying really sexy as fuck.
48:36-48:40
And then I am playing with that sort of energy.
48:40-48:42
So I know what I'm broadcasting.
48:42-48:47
And it's a true frequency to me, which I love to.
48:47-48:49
And then the experiment became, well, what would happen?
48:49-48:51
And I would attract a lot of men,
48:51-48:53
and they would be confused by that frequency.
48:53-48:56
Because they've been conditioned, oh, this
48:56-48:58
looks a certain way, as opposed to actually reading
48:58-49:00
the frequency.
49:00-49:03
Did you know what I mean?
49:03-49:05
Immediately, guys would turn down.
49:05-49:10
And if they were on ecstasy, they would try to kiss me.
49:10-49:12
And I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
49:12-49:14
You read that wrong.
49:14-49:15
That sort of thing.
49:15-49:18
Yeah.
49:18-49:19
Are we still talking about the same thing?
49:19-49:20
Yeah, we are.
49:20-49:22
Because what I'm starting to explore
49:22-49:26
is energetic boundaries, mostly because I'm not really
49:26-49:28
interested in having sex with men.
49:28-49:32
But I love to energetically flirt and play with energy.
49:32-49:33
It's easier for me to do with gay men,
49:33-49:36
because they already intuitively understand the boundaries.
49:36-49:37
Yeah, and then maybe because--
49:37-49:40
OK, so you can see by the book that I wrote.
49:40-49:42
I had like a shitloads of experience.
49:42-49:47
So this is why you're on the cast today, God's cast.
49:47-49:49
Yeah, but of course, like I said,
49:49-49:53
on my 30th, I decided I'm going to be sexually free.
49:53-49:55
But before that, I would absolutely
49:55-49:58
have moments that I go in situations where I would--
49:58-50:00
they would try to kiss me, or maybe I
50:00-50:01
would like sleep with someone.
50:01-50:03
But I actually didn't really want to.
50:03-50:07
But I put myself in a situation, then I was like, OK, maybe.
50:07-50:08
I should just go with it.
50:08-50:08
I don't know.
50:08-50:09
It was confusing.
50:09-50:12
After my 30th, I would like fuck it.
50:12-50:15
If someone-- like, I slept with guys.
50:15-50:17
I never had sex with them, because they would say,
50:17-50:20
like, I'll sleep with you and hold you all night.
50:20-50:22
It's like a way to sleep with you, but whatever.
50:22-50:24
But I'm like, dude, if that's what you're going to say,
50:24-50:25
and I would be like, hey, this guy,
50:25-50:28
I can actually make him stick to that.
50:28-50:30
And if they would try something, like, dude,
50:30-50:31
we're just going to-- like you said,
50:31-50:32
you're just going to hug me.
50:32-50:34
So nothing's going to happen.
50:34-50:37
But I had a lot of practice before that.
50:37-50:41
So if I look at you, like if you started later,
50:41-50:43
you're going to make still some of the mistakes
50:43-50:44
that I made before.
50:44-50:48
So now, by all the trial and error,
50:48-50:53
I know how to fine tune that signal, that I can dance and move
50:53-50:56
my butt all over the place where leggings with a thong
50:56-51:00
and my ass looks amazing, or hang my boobs wherever I want.
51:00-51:02
That was the other thing I loved about your book.
51:02-51:05
Like, you knew exactly how to create the field.
51:05-51:07
Yeah, but I can do it in a way.
51:07-51:10
But because I fine-tuned it by trial and error,
51:10-51:13
that nobody's going to actually even come close.
51:13-51:15
Except for the one you want.
51:15-51:16
Except for the one I want.
51:16-51:19
And if they do something that I don't want,
51:19-51:23
I just give them one eye and they'll leave.
51:23-51:24
I promise they'll leave.
51:24-51:27
I do not get a rest.
51:27-51:29
But I had to practice that a lot.
51:29-51:30
So--
51:30-51:33
I would say the fine tune that you're talking about,
51:33-51:35
I'm getting better at turning off the signal.
51:35-51:39
And/or not even casting the signal to a person that--
51:39-51:41
discernment.
51:41-51:44
Well, and if you're dancing like Tina Turner or--
51:44-51:46
I want to say ISIS, but it's CCI.
51:46-51:47
Actually, I was at Cleopatra.
51:47-51:48
Cleopatra, OK.
51:48-51:50
So you dance like Cleopatra, or you're
51:50-51:52
dancing like Tina Turner.
51:52-51:53
And you can be that.
51:53-51:54
And then you're free.
51:54-51:56
And you're in your own space.
51:56-51:59
And then it's also like catching the moment
51:59-52:03
when you feel someone's presence getting closer.
52:03-52:06
And that's the moment where you shut it off for a second.
52:06-52:09
You turn around, give him the eye,
52:09-52:12
and go back in your Tina Turner or your Cleopatra face.
52:12-52:15
Because that's it.
52:15-52:17
Like sensing when somebody wants something from you
52:17-52:20
and giving a clear signal, even if it's very short,
52:20-52:21
just fuck off.
52:21-52:22
I'm in my zone.
52:22-52:24
And then you get back into your zone.
52:24-52:26
But you need that little interruption to keep them
52:26-52:29
obey, the ones you want to keep obey.
52:29-52:32
And how do you pull in the ones you want?
52:32-52:33
Oh, that's--
52:33-52:35
I think that's a better question, because I'm really good at--
52:35-52:38
I can get to a point where I won't even attract.
52:38-52:39
What is it mine?
52:39-52:43
But I want to get better at attracting what is mine.
52:43-52:46
OK, so you absolutely believe in the power of attraction.
52:46-52:47
Oh, heartedly.
52:47-52:48
Yeah, so it's super easy.
52:48-52:50
So how-- not easy, but I would always
52:50-52:53
play with this when I was much younger.
52:53-52:54
I would go to a club.
52:54-52:58
And I would right away be like, OK, that dude, I'm interested.
52:58-53:00
So what I would do--
53:00-53:02
but if I tell my secret now, it's like--
53:02-53:03
somebody would know.
53:03-53:05
Anyway, I would come in.
53:05-53:07
And I would be like--
53:07-53:10
I would ensure that there's about maybe two people in between me
53:10-53:13
and the guy that I'm interested in.
53:13-53:14
I'm just dancing.
53:14-53:16
I'm doing my Tina Turner, Cleopatra,
53:16-53:18
or whatever moves I'm doing.
53:18-53:20
Caroline and the Karen Millen dress.
53:20-53:23
Yeah, in my Karen Millen dress and my Carlina Casanova
53:23-53:26
attitude, I'm dancing as if he doesn't exist.
53:26-53:27
I'm not paying attention.
53:27-53:29
But I'm thinking of him.
53:29-53:33
And I know that if he turns around
53:33-53:35
and he scans the room, he can see me.
53:35-53:38
And there's like one or two people just in between.
53:38-53:39
So he can see me, but there's a distance.
53:39-53:42
And he'll have to approach me in order
53:42-53:45
to catch my attention because I'm in my own world.
53:45-53:50
And every freaking time I've done that,
53:50-53:52
at a certain moment, they will come to me.
53:52-53:54
And they will try to get my attention.
53:54-54:00
Now that I'm thinking back, I've gotten much better at this.
54:00-54:03
I've had a couple of fun instances now.
54:03-54:04
I can imagine.
54:04-54:07
Yeah, but it's fun.
54:07-54:10
Sometimes my friends, I'm coming to this late,
54:10-54:13
which I'm OK with because it's like a beginner's mind.
54:13-54:15
And everything's wonderful.
54:15-54:19
And then when things do happen, they feel--
54:19-54:21
I call it the heat.
54:21-54:24
And you know you're in the right place at the right moment
54:24-54:26
because you just feel the heat.
54:26-54:34
And/or I'm learning how to receive the moment for what it is.
54:34-54:36
And because most of--
54:36-54:42
if I have a day and I want to fall in love as much as possible,
54:42-54:45
and sometimes you just physically you're processing
54:45-54:48
or you're emotionally, you're not even available to it.
54:48-54:51
So I'm starting to learn this because I want to be available
54:51-54:53
to it as much as possible.
54:53-54:54
But also take your day self.
54:54-54:54
It's fine.
54:54-54:55
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
54:55-54:59
It's like you sometimes need to recuperate or just
54:59-55:02
have a moment for yourself or just hate everybody
55:02-55:04
in the entire world in order to open your heart even more
55:04-55:05
the day after.
55:05-55:07
She's spewing wisdom right now.
55:07-55:10
And my little child-- yes, I do.
55:10-55:12
You're right.
55:12-55:13
It is true.
55:13-55:15
It is true.
55:15-55:18
But I'm also, however, my dad, I'm
55:18-55:22
learning to embrace when you do feel the flow.
55:22-55:22
Because it--
55:22-55:23
Of course.
55:23-55:24
Beautiful.
55:24-55:26
And harvest that.
55:26-55:29
And honestly, it's my OCD.
55:29-55:32
But if I focus my OCD on the things
55:32-55:36
that I want to see in manifestation or in the world,
55:36-55:37
then it's not obsessive.
55:37-55:40
It's actually just power of focus and intent.
55:40-55:41
Yeah.
55:41-55:43
Like you were saying the laws of attraction
55:43-55:45
and then fine-tuning it.
55:45-55:46
Yeah.
55:46-55:47
And then it comes.
55:47-55:50
And also what I've noticed very clearly
55:50-55:58
is the moments I'm in abundance of, for instance,
55:58-55:59
physical touch or attention.
55:59-56:01
That's when I get more.
56:01-56:05
The moments that I'm really longing for it,
56:05-56:06
I can turn off the light.
56:06-56:09
But the frequency is too greedy.
56:09-56:10
And they can sense it.
56:10-56:14
And it's really hard for me to attract.
56:14-56:18
So I really-- or I really shouldn't want it.
56:18-56:21
Like now I'm on my non-dating phase.
56:21-56:25
So it's easier to attract probably.
56:25-56:27
But I just notice the moments.
56:27-56:29
I'm like, I feel lonely.
56:29-56:32
I would really want to have somebody to hold me
56:32-56:33
or to be intimate with.
56:33-56:34
And I go to the club.
56:34-56:36
It doesn't matter what I wear, what I try.
56:36-56:38
I'm not going to be successful.
56:38-56:40
But the moment I would be sleeping around,
56:40-56:43
I would be Carolina Custinova from the Rose.
56:43-56:45
Dude, I'll be so busy.
56:45-56:47
And that's the moment I get my boyfriend's.
56:47-56:49
Because I was like, wow, I better lash.
56:49-56:53
Like I better man up because this woman's busy.
56:53-56:55
It's not that she tells me because she said that she
56:55-56:56
hadn't done sex maybe for like whatever.
56:56-57:00
But they can sense they have to put in the work.
57:00-57:01
Yeah.
57:01-57:03
And it's worth it.
57:03-57:04
I think.
57:04-57:05
Mm-hmm.
57:05-57:06
Yeah.
57:06-57:09
Yeah, but it helps with the signal to not be like if you
57:09-57:12
want it, it's going to be challenging to attract.
57:12-57:13
Because they can feel it.
57:13-57:15
They can feel the pressure.
57:15-57:16
Yeah.
57:16-57:18
I know.
57:18-57:21
It's so clear to me my own pressure
57:21-57:23
that I can feel it myself.
57:23-57:24
Yeah.
57:24-57:25
Yeah.
57:25-57:26
That's fun though.
57:26-57:29
It's with everything, it's just knowing where the boundaries
57:29-57:32
are and starting to be more aware of like, oh,
57:32-57:34
I'm creating that field.
57:34-57:36
Is that really what I want to do?
57:36-57:36
Mm-hmm.
57:36-57:37
Yeah.
57:37-57:39
Well, this is fun.
57:39-57:40
All right, we are about an hour in.
57:40-57:42
And I know at an hour, I get tired.
57:42-57:44
So thank you.
57:44-57:45
Thank you, too.
57:45-57:46
I will post this.
57:46-57:49
We will have no idea what will happen.
57:49-57:53
But I'm looking forward to interviewing for that second
57:53-57:54
book.
57:54-57:54
Thanks.
57:54-57:56
You're welcome.
57:56-58:06
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