"Unfiltered Confessions": Purple Hair, Phallic Mics, and Family Drama!"
123. 123. Yeah. Looks like we're both here.
St. James:It's yeah. Here and present. Yeah, indeed.
Whirling Rainbow:This feels different, does it?
St. James:It really does. This sounds amazing.
Whirling Rainbow:I think it was worth it. You know?
St. James:I'm deeply impressed. This is some awesome equipment.
Whirling Rainbow:It's about time to take this shit seriously.
St. James:Yeah. Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:1 year ago, we started this conversation.
St. James:Is Is it really only I mean, we started the conversation years ago, but this specific
Whirling Rainbow:This part of the conversation. Now it's manifested.
St. James:I freaking love it. Am I allowed to swear on this thing?
Whirling Rainbow:You can fucking say.
St. James:Fucking yes. Because I there's no way I thought it's not dropping out of my mouth. Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. So first off, just be comfortable.
St. James:Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:I'm gonna this is I think I'm set.
St. James:I mean You're in your throne, girl. This is you are you are the queen on her empress on her throne. That's amazing.
Whirling Rainbow:The trick will be speaking directly and making sure that
St. James:Yeah. We're not too loud.
Whirling Rainbow:Or too soft. I tend to pull away sometimes. I'm not very good.
St. James:This mic is phallic enough that I'm not worried about it.
Whirling Rainbow:Oh my god. If I wasn't confirmed lesbian, but after this, it's like my mouth. I don't I don't get how you guys do that.
St. James:My mouth is watering
Whirling Rainbow:as we speak. But but but I am just glad I'm speaking to somebody who actually knows what a blowjob feels like.
St. James:On both ends.
Whirling Rainbow:See, if I if I knew what it felt like on your end, I'd probably be more game to do it.
St. James:That's actually fair. That's, yeah. Big time. Especially when you're like, that felt so good. I need to give you some of that.
St. James:That's awesome. Yeah. You know, more than just the yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:So just to, this is our 3rd 3rd version of sitting down in front of these phallic mics and focus the conversation a little bit. I'm gonna ask you, well, the theme of for me this week has been been confessions. And I'll tell you how I got there.
St. James:Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:So, couple years ago, I ended up in, Copenhagen and went to the beautiful and I would love to take you there. The Louisiana, which sits, I think, on the sounds. I don't know. It's some sort of body of water.
St. James:Is it a battleship or?
Whirling Rainbow:No. Ironically, that's where you go.
St. James:Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:No. It is an art, quite famous art museum.
St. James:Okay. Named Louisiana?
Whirling Rainbow:Yes. I don't didn't look it up.
St. James:Yeah. That's amazing.
Whirling Rainbow:But,
St. James:because I thought at the very least that was French. So
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. No. It has an interesting but it's a beautiful building. And I think more than anything, the building itself is the character. And obviously because it's a famous building, a famous art institution, it attracts to things.
St. James:Mhmm.
Whirling Rainbow:There were 2 things that I remember from that day. The first one was on the very way in, the very first thing that caught my attention was, this guy had written on, like, school binder paper. He had used, like, 3 pieces. And the name of the art piece, I don't remember exactly. I'm just filling in the blanks, was his greatest confessions, his greatest sins as a human being.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. And there was one where he says, you know, and it was the well, he raped somebody. And he admitted it on that paper. And much I mean everything. Hey.
Whirling Rainbow:Hey. Hey. No. Boys. Charlie.
Whirling Rainbow:Leave it. Nope. Not yours? Nope. Charlie.
St. James:Hard no. Come here. Come here. Good boy.
Whirling Rainbow:Where was I?
St. James:He sexual assault.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. And more than anything, I was just struck by the honesty of that. And I didn't think I realized how much I was impacted by that artwork. Until I started going through my own self realization process and like how how does one become that honest with themselves where they can admit to the world the things that they've done.
St. James:Right.
Whirling Rainbow:So that's kind of how I ended up here. The second thing that I noticed
St. James:Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:Was a in in stark contrast to that was a bunch of Danish kids, young kids, 3, 4, 5 in front of nudes sketching. And I just, I just remember feeling so well, I'm just gonna use simple words. That was fucking cool.
St. James:Okay. So when you said they were sketching, it didn't feel prurient, like, oh, I'm seeing a naked lady kind of thing. It was more just appreciated.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. But in every way that the Europeans have a bet, I would say, a better relationship to the human body and sex.
St. James:Oh, yeah. But, like, not based in shame and at the same time
Whirling Rainbow:I've been doing all that grief work grief
St. James:work. Oh, god. I love it.
Whirling Rainbow:But and it's one of the things that I have in my four agreements that come from Michael, Ruiz. I don't know.
St. James:The guy that did the four agreements? Exactly. Okay. Yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:And this is the one I always forget, which is well, there's 2. It's being impeccable with your word Mhmm. And don't take things personally.
St. James:Mhmm.
Whirling Rainbow:And you realize that as a human being, you have done things. We all have done things. Yeah. But the simple act of contrition and being honest with the things that you've done, you know, I don't know if I'm gonna know why I did things just to understand that I did things and that those things have made me the human that I am, but they don't contain me to be the human that I want to become.
St. James:They don't define you moving forward.
Whirling Rainbow:Exactly. And I think, what if I tell you what after your help with the gray fork, what what what I've come through plus 1 month of intensive therapy with my parents, which is just them being here and doing doing the work with me.
St. James:That is it. Yeah. Seeing how the work actually shows up in the world.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah.
St. James:Especially in that particular crucible.
Whirling Rainbow:Exactly. Yeah. Crucible. Crystal is a great word. Why did you pick that word?
St. James:It is often the word that I will like when you are you're both contained and the heat and so actually amplifies itself and the family is our original crucible.
Whirling Rainbow:Where does the crucible come from from? I mean, I know it from the, like, American literature in 7 in sophomore year.
St. James:Of course. Exactly. I mean, originally, it came from things like alchemy. Like, it was how they melted particular metals and were able to get the the the heat hot enough because, of course, the crucible itself is metal. So they had to get it hot enough to melt the gold, the silver, whatever they were melting, but not melt the copper or brass that it was actually made from.
St. James:But interestingly enough, I'm also, like, looking at, like, some of the other roots of the word. Yeah. Like, crucifixion. Okay. Which I knew is where you're going.
Whirling Rainbow:As I'm looking you're wearing your Celtic.
St. James:I am wearing yeah. Actually, this is the ankh. This is actually Egyptian.
Whirling Rainbow:Oh, okay. That would be my second guess.
St. James:Yeah. Yeah. And then there's also, like, there's a word, I I'm, Well, yeah, crucifix but also, there's I'm blanking on the word like, not a crash, but, like, something like basically, a thing that will hold the baby is all it's a cruse of something, and I'm suddenly blanking on
Whirling Rainbow:Oh, a crib.
St. James:No. Crib or bassinet, but there's another word for, like, something that is that nurturing thing that, like, I at least my brain is saying that there's a word that does that. Yeah. We're gonna we're gonna thesaurus this stuff.
Whirling Rainbow:Siri, what is the word for a crib that is related to a crucifix?
St. James:Let me see if I can pull this up.
Whirling Rainbow:Relics of associated with Jesus. No. It didn't give me what I wanted. Siri? But do you know you know what might?
St. James:I'm actually so we'll still
Whirling Rainbow:cruciferous. Bard, can you give me all the synonyms for a crib?
St. James:No. It might also be like my brain is actually not doing it. But there's something I mean, obviously, there's
Whirling Rainbow:Cradle?
St. James:Cradle maybe, but that's not coming from that same root. I mean, you know, cruise crucifix comes from cross. I mean, that that the, you know, crossroads or, you know, that forejoining corner piece. So I'm not sure. Like I said, I might be misremembering or my brain's just misfiring.
St. James:I I typed in crucintodictionary.com and or, Webster's and didn't get. That's what I was thinking of. Anyway, but but certainly coming from crucifixion and crucible, there's something in there that is, you know, let's raise the heat up and see what melts out and see what purifies and see what also I mean, part of the thing with the crucible is that you will take those ores so that you can also melt out the metal that you want, but it leaves everything else behind So that you're purifying as well and taking out the detritus of what you don't want, which coming back to the family and those dynamics, what what this therapy work that you've been doing both with and without your parents is getting rid of the things that no longer serve the family and no longer serve you personally.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. This metaphor is working for me. Except for the dogs clicking on it.
St. James:Except for the dogs clicking on the foot and chasing each other around because they love each other No. And they're finally getting to play. We could put them out in the backyard.
Whirling Rainbow:We'll see how this goes.
St. James:Yeah. Yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:But this is really good stuff. You know what? People are just gonna have to live this is my living room.
St. James:You know, this is it. We're, you know, we're we're keeping it real here.
Whirling Rainbow:I'm inviting you into my sacred space.
St. James:This this is sacred space. And the the the temple pups are part of it. So
Whirling Rainbow:The temple pups. Yeah. I love those little penises.
St. James:Oh my god. Seriously. Phallic. Yeah. Seriously.
St. James:So, you were bringing it back to, you know, your time with your parents and confessions. I'm gonna I'm gonna keep us on topic, which is weird for me. This is why
Whirling Rainbow:I I gave us a loose structure. Mhmm. And you you bought in.
St. James:Oh. Yeah. You had me at hello. This is like a yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. And I and and just well, for my parents, the, based on your question, the the bigger theme that I got from a deck of cards, which I'm just gonna make my I'm gonna make my life easy. I'm just gonna trust the universe. And it sent me the right structure for the first 17 episodes.
St. James:Perfect. I don't
Whirling Rainbow:know if this is a 1 or 2 season thing. I I haven't figured that out, but we'll let the process
St. James:It's organic. We're it's like I said, these are seeds. We're gonna plant them in the ground, see what grows.
Whirling Rainbow:Exactly. And, the best thing I learned working 10, 15 years in tech was to trust the process. And the bigger narrative that has to do with, you know, spending a month with my parents, which is learning to trust my own vision. Well, you had a really great way of framing vision earlier. Do you remember what you said?
Whirling Rainbow:No. I said, well, I was
St. James:Oh, you were talking about sight.
Whirling Rainbow:Sight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
St. James:Yeah. Yeah. Trust your sight.
Whirling Rainbow:Lay that definition back on me.
St. James:Oh, shit. Let me see if I can remember what I said. Essentially, it's the when we are in sight when and we're talking capital s site. It is sort of the it's what's coming through from to us as humans. There's there's our our physical vision, and then we have visions for either the future or where we have pictures and suddenly we instantly understand something.
St. James:It is sort of that that crossroads between where we are here having a human experience and then there's the divine beings that are here having that human experience. And it's that divinity coming through and actually landing in our human experience. It's like the the piece that can see overall coming in and and sometimes flooding our senses with way more information that we were prepared for. But that's essentially is that is that a pretty close enough
Whirling Rainbow:I couldn't have described the last 2 years anything more than that.
St. James:Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:Learning, I think, I read in a book from a very good shaman. It's learning to fly with your feet grounded.
St. James:Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. Feet on the ground, letting the rest soar.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. And if I were to give myself a final test, it would be to spend a month with my parents and still trust my vision. Fuck yes. And I love my parents and they're good people.
St. James:A 100%. I mean, let's be clear. They made you. So there there's, you know, they've already got, like, serious brownie points for the, you know, universal karmic thing. But
Whirling Rainbow:They did make me.
St. James:Yeah. They did. And, you know, as we were also talking, you know, this bit about as you're growing and as you're excavating all of those pieces, including the pieces that your parents passed on to you unknowingly, whether it's generational traumas or, you know, particular ways of thinking and being that, you know, form you are now. But as you work with that material and work with it more than they historically have, Some of it's uncomfortable for your parents as they see you diving into what is my relationship to being who I am. You don't wanna stop.
St. James:But then that that work in and of itself starts then changing your relationship with your parents because, a, you're differentiating. And there's the part where coming back to your rule number 2, don't take it personally. The things they passed on to you, they are not yours. And if you choose to divest yourself off of them, then you're not continuing to engage in that particular family gestalt.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. Yes. All of the things that you said are absolutely true. I'm gonna switch a little bit only because well, it's along that line, family but then I'm sitting here really enjoying what you're saying and your Superman t shirt the man of steel with your fucking amazing purple hair, and I'm trying to take you seriously.
St. James:I fucking keep forgetting that my hair is purple. This is hilarious. Well I can see I see people smiling at me and I'm like, oh, that's so friendly. And I'm like, oh, no. They're laughing at my hair or at least smiling at my hair.
St. James:No. They're appreciating it.
Whirling Rainbow:It just brings joy. You bring you bring joy
St. James:Thank you.
Whirling Rainbow:And sanity to my world.
St. James:I'm sorry. That was not my intent. I didn't mean to. No. You're welcome.
St. James:And thank you.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. You're welcome.
St. James:Kind.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. I felt like I felt like I needed to compliment you on your shirt today.
St. James:Oh, thank you.
Whirling Rainbow:Man of Steel.
St. James:It's one of my favorite tees.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. Well, back to back to the family thing. Yeah.
St. James:Of course.
Whirling Rainbow:But it is in line with your shirt. And there was a duality. I spent a lot of time, some of it, you're right, was absolutely the relationship that I have as a human with my parents. But then, because I've been working on vasanas and the triangles, every relationship we have has like that that the archetype of mom daughter I will call myself the queer son, queer little girl. And there were moments, that I would clearly see how the universe plays out in all the relationships, right?
Whirling Rainbow:Mhmm. Yeah. I don't think there was great epiphanies other than just the realization and awareness of and enjoyment of realizing that we all have that ability to play out that well, in the spiritual sense. Right? You have the moon, the sun, and the earth.
St. James:Mhmm. And the interplay of the 3.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. And there were moments that it was a beautiful day. I think early on in the in the trip with my parents that we went to go visit my Dutch teacher but we took them, actually I took them to that cafe that you and I went on Halloween.
St. James:Oh, yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. So I I always know where I park energy And we sat out there and just I had this realization of a feeling, the ability to let go of my mom and my dad. I don't know what it was just this feeling. Mhmm. And then we happen to sit next to a meso American from Argentina.
Whirling Rainbow:So and then Oh, brilliant. To me when I when the universe plays and gives me, like, what I feel are the tells, I'm like, oh, this is the right situation. These are the right feelings. I can start to trust this vision.
St. James:Mhmm.
Whirling Rainbow:And the vision is yeah. There's something about the the child starting to accept their divinity Mhmm. And the realization that mom and dad have done the best job that they can, but it's time to let go.
St. James:Right. Interesting enough, there's the piece where, especially as early children, very young children, we see our parents imbued with divinity. I mean, they're capital f, father, and capital m, mother. You know, they are these godlike beings who know all, you know, are responsible for us and then also, of course, have this immense power over us. Yeah.
St. James:And so at least sort of what I'm hearing is that what you're doing is sort of letting go of the piece of that that still holds that that particular vision of your mom and your dad so that they can just be the humans that they are and love them for who they are, not who maybe they were supposed to be or who we you know, is that is that sort of
Whirling Rainbow:I would say
St. James:Claiming your own divinity, not giving it to them, I guess.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:Yes.
St. James:Got it.
Whirling Rainbow:Yes. Exactly. And yeah, at some point I think that's a natural progression. It's a life cycle.
St. James:100%.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah, also a very deep sense of, it's time. It's Oh, yeah. It's time to let go. Yeah. And if I put it in the in the universal sense of humanity itself, which is, hey, I think we're pretty good.
Whirling Rainbow:Mhmm. We're so hard on ourselves.
St. James:No one's harder.
Whirling Rainbow:No one's harder.
St. James:Then yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:And and we've built if I look at the world today and then I compare it to the Incas and the Egyptians and a lot of the other empires that have been built in the past, even the ones that we are not 100% aware of. The ones that were probably closer to whatever originally, I don't know, whatever, whatever star people. And if I we've gotten to a point and a scale of really good people. I find good people all over. And I know I'm in a bubble, but I've I've gravitated towards this bubble with other great people who've gravitated toward this bubble and I'm like, this is this works.
Whirling Rainbow:Mhmm.
St. James:Yeah. For real.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah.
St. James:I mean, there is that part where these these magnetic areas of energy that draw people in and you you feel the vibe. What actually struck me while you were saying that was I think I told you 5, 6 years ago now When I first came, I'm like, there's this thing here that reminds me of the place where we met and what it used to be and doesn't feel quite so much like it is right now. And I think that some of it is our original place of meeting, San Francisco, back 10, 15, 20, 30 years ago was the place that did. It draw drew the visionaries and the freaks and the weirdos and the artists and the creatives, and we would collectively be there. And that's part of where that San Francisco bubble came from and part of what was feeling like it's missing because the bubble is now attracting a different vision of people.
St. James:They're not bad people. They're just not that same type. It's all the tech people who have their own vision, but it's very different than the kind of creativity that we're talking about.
Whirling Rainbow:Right. But they're drafting off the energy of A
St. James:100%.
Whirling Rainbow:The freaks, the geeks, the queers.
St. James:All all of the people that set that place up. And it's part of the reason why it's so attractive. Yeah. And who knows where it will go from here, but it's not what it was. And, I will say that where we are here now in Amsterdam, you're right.
St. James:There is still quite a lot of that. It's it's even changing before my eyes, and I've been here for a year. Yeah. You know, I'm witnessing some things that are like, wow, okay. That's sadly familiar.
Whirling Rainbow:Well, I I feel a sense of urgency. And not not that I have to rush through things but it's actually the reason why I really want to do this thing and get our voices Yeah. Somewhere in the cloud in the,
St. James:poster.
Whirling Rainbow:It's because you and I have seen what happens to post late capitalism when those sorts of activities that capitalism incentivizes.
St. James:Absolutely.
Whirling Rainbow:It can rip a place. Now, I think we have the benefit of a lot better infrastructure here in the Netherlands because I already see the reaction from the from the things and the initiatives that the sense of this city in particular wanting to look forward in an intelligent way towards the future.
St. James:Right.
Whirling Rainbow:I just know and it's something that I didn't do in San Francisco that I feel I feel strongly that I need to do here which is be much stronger part of the community expats are part of the problem.
St. James:Mhmm.
Whirling Rainbow:Especially ones that come I I think you and I are are I I prefer the term, I think the dutch is, refugee. I prefer, you know, yeah, I have an economic means, an advantage that the refugees don't.
St. James:Right.
Whirling Rainbow:I'm aware of this privilege. But I still feel and felt like I left my country under duress. Mhmm.
St. James:We could call it maybe sort of a spiritual refugee maybe a little bit Yeah. Without being too woo woo about it.
Whirling Rainbow:I fuck woo woo.
St. James:I know.
Whirling Rainbow:You know what?
St. James:I do all the time.
Whirling Rainbow:When I learned that woke came from black people Oh. And then and then the white people got upset about it.
St. James:Oh, my. It's, like, let's be very clear.
Whirling Rainbow:That that told me is, like, you still don't get it.
St. James:Oh, so not.
Whirling Rainbow:You don't fucking get it. It's not yours.
St. James:I think there's also I and I don't wanna, like, elevate this. But what I see a lot of people sort of when they're referring to the expats are almost more like the digital nomads. You know? Yeah. What Theresa May famously referred to as people from nowhere.
St. James:You know, like, they they they go where they want to. They're not really part of the community. They sort of come because it's it's less expensive than living where they were. They can be someplace else. They, you know, they bring their laptops and their changes of clothing and that's about, you know, they sit in their cafes and, you know, don't engage.
St. James:And that might be just a gross stereotype, but I feel like that's sort of at least the picture of what we're talking about of the people who aren't really trying to be part of the community. And for better, for worse, you and I both moved here with the intention of putting down roots. Like, we didn't come here to just take from Dutch culture, take from the Netherlands, take from their prosperity, take from the good things that they have to offer, we come with the intention of fully 100% investing ourselves here and giving back as much as we can.
Whirling Rainbow:If not more.
St. James:If not more. Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:In fact, I feel that I'm here in some ways to balance the scales. Right? Yes. There's a that temporal problem of the expats that that that I saw in San Francisco and is the same as the techies, they extract.
St. James:Exactly. I don't want to extract.
Whirling Rainbow:Right. Which is the same things that the Europeans did to my people 5 centuries ago.
St. James:Well, up to about a century and a half. Yes. Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:Or you can even say they're still doing it today. Right?
St. James:Yeah. The vested interest of the corporations that are still operating there under the contracts that they signed 300 years ago. You're blocked, you know, blocked.
Whirling Rainbow:Only when it serves. Like, well Otherwise, we we totally fuck that contract. Exactly. And we find a way in our rules, better our rules to fuck you in the contract.
St. James:Exactly. Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. Yeah.
St. James:So I mean that I think that's exactly it. Having come from from the Burning Man community, it's it's the difference between people who just come to consume versus the people who come to participate. And, you could spot them, you know, the people who were there so that they could get their experience versus the people who wanna help create the experience for everyone.
Whirling Rainbow:They're on Instagram.
St. James:Exactly. Exactly. They're on Instagram and they drew up with their RVs, with their stylists, you know, so that they could have the Burning Man experience.
Whirling Rainbow:Well, again, to me, that's just another narrative of the freaks and geeks cultivating new energy. This is a concept that I'm playing with. It's like, they're the ones who make something cool. And my mom says it. It's like that the all the gays and the queers and and artists make a place cool and then the yuppies move in.
St. James:Absolutely. And they and they drive up the property values moving everybody else out. And we witnessed it in the hate. We witnessed it in the poke. We witnessed it in the Castro.
St. James:We were became instead of the place where all the gays lived in, it was too racy for all the straight people. They're like, oh, but it's right on the Muni line and it takes me right down to the fucking Twitter headquarters and, you know, that's great. So I'm gonna buy this house.
Whirling Rainbow:Sorry. I just had to trigger you.
St. James:Oh my god. Seriously, please don't speak of Elon Musk. I just can't. It's not okay.
Whirling Rainbow:Well, he's doing his work and you know what he has inspired me to do? My work.
St. James:Okay. I've had other inspirations to do my work. I didn't need him. I mean, you know yeah. I would say he's someone who's doing his work, but he's doing it for the aggrandizement and certainly for the wealth.
St. James:And I
Whirling Rainbow:I hope someday to talk to him so I can figure out from his self. But
St. James:We'll see. Maybe.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. Maybe I don't need to. The the little devil in me is like, James might be right, but I'd really love to have him on the other side. Meaning meaning our conversation is relevant enough that he feels like he gets value from it. In some ways to me, that's a full circle.
St. James:If Elon's missing, dude, I don't hate on you. But boy, there's some problematic shit going on. Everybody's welcome.
Whirling Rainbow:This is a safe place.
St. James:Exactly. Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. Alright. Let's not spend any more energy on that.
St. James:Moving on.
Whirling Rainbow:Moving
St. James:on. Confessions?
Whirling Rainbow:I think we're doing a pretty good job.
St. James:Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:I'll I'll tell you. I started this this week. I started confessing some of my greatest sins. And they are are things that I realized when I started confessing them. They were things that I designed for myself, because I was afraid of my own success.
Whirling Rainbow:Oh. Yeah. My father brilliant enough. We had this and, because my dad is a brilliant man. But he didn't have any of the infrastructure.
Whirling Rainbow:I call it white people's infrastructure. He didn't, you know, he didn't have a father. Parents were immigrants, 3rd grade education.
St. James:Wow.
Whirling Rainbow:Immigrated when he was 12, had to learn English, had to survive, just survive. But he taught me how to manifest. I think more than my mom. My mom was just a, you know, just funny because she's the artist. Mhmm.
Whirling Rainbow:My dad taught me the witchy shit. It also comes from that line.
St. James:Mhmm.
Whirling Rainbow:You know? Or let me put it. Yeah. Although he hates that word because it's pretty charged in Mexico.
St. James:It is. Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. It's a little darker than yeah.
St. James:Just yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. But I like it.
St. James:I know.
Whirling Rainbow:I I You
St. James:own that show. I love it.
Whirling Rainbow:Well, speaking of a confession, you know, I've hemming hawed, but then I realized I just have to speak from the heart. This conversation feels like it's chatting here, you know? But embracing that that, magic. And for me, looking at energy differently and helping anybody who has questions about that sort of like, because I grew up. Well, we've talked about this.
Whirling Rainbow:I think the the buzzword is neurodiverse. Somewhere along the lines, I had a smart teacher who said, oh, hey, she let she thinks like a boy. Her learning patterns are like a boy. And dyslexia came into the conversation. Mhmm.
Whirling Rainbow:But what I really realized is that I'm just different. In that difference. Well, I am different, but yet I am the same. And it's how to use that difference in my perspective. But the piece that I needed to be more honest with was 1 to and 2, to realize that my perspective has value.
St. James:In what ways were you not being honest with yourself?
Whirling Rainbow:Oh, okay. This this is confession.
St. James:Fuck. Yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:Well, sexually, you know.
St. James:Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah.
St. James:That's a really big piece.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. Well, and some of it was just I'm only now figuring out just like sex sex to me is this. It's different. Sex to me feels like a big fucking dick in my
St. James:that reverberates. These microphones are so incredibly phallic.
Whirling Rainbow:I know.
St. James:It's kinda making my mouth water. Later.
Whirling Rainbow:We'll take pictures.
St. James:Oh my god. And we'll
Whirling Rainbow:put it on Instagram. James is always got
St. James:Stung out.
Whirling Rainbow:He's got such a better o face than mine.
St. James:I have way more practice.
Whirling Rainbow:Well, my mouth isn't that big. So I used to cheat by, you know, using my hands.
St. James:My mouth isn't that big either. So that's exactly how I
Whirling Rainbow:would do it
St. James:as well. Like, it was an op job.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. Yeah. So some of it with a lot of well, back to your question about confessions.
St. James:Nice little distraction.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. Well, you know what? It doesn't always have to be fucking serious.
St. James:When is it ever serious?
Whirling Rainbow:In fact, it's better if it's not.
St. James:Exactly. So
Whirling Rainbow:that's my next confession. I and this is where my mom was right about me working too hard, which is I was working hard, not smart. And
St. James:Mhmm.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. So that's when I really heard what she said because I do. I I and I think what what she meant is, like, why are you looping? She didn't say that directly.
St. James:Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:And some of it is like, well, I'm still just working things out. And it's funny as you verbalize things just to feel that, like, you got to the right place. And once you feel like you got to the right place is oh I don't need that. I can let it go. And so so I would loop a lot and I would take things super personally.
Whirling Rainbow:And I think that is, you know, to speak at a high level. You know, the particulars were let's see. What? Well, sexuality, eating disorder. That's a big one.
Whirling Rainbow:But then I realized that most people have a problem with food.
St. James:We have just an unhealthy relationship with food.
Whirling Rainbow:Unhealthy relationship.
St. James:Yeah. Yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. And I'm not alone.
St. James:Our entire culture is fostered on that. I mean, what was the best meal as a kid?
Whirling Rainbow:Mac and cheese, lasagna, pizza.
St. James:Mac and cheese, lasagna, pizza, and of course, the fucking happy meal. I mean, we even labeled it that, you know, you got a toy with it. Like, please let's give your kids some ultra processed food and that's their biggest treat of the week. Like, wow.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. I don't know if it was a Happy Meal for me.
St. James:But but When I was a kid, they actually didn't have Happy Meals. That's how old I am.
Whirling Rainbow:The irony is the Happy Meal is probably the the the smartest choice you can make at McDonald's now because of the portion size.
St. James:Well, there's that too. Yes. Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. What are the other big things that I wasn't honest with myself? I think well, let's let's let's get it to the point, the witchiness. But I don't know why if I I didn't know what it was and I didn't have tools because I was living in a world that said 1 +1 equals 2 and you don't get to question that. Meaning you go to school and you learn the things that are in the standardized ways and Of course.
Whirling Rainbow:I don't know. We don't introduce any of this stuff. I don't think I was aware of any sort of energetic things until I met you. And even then it took me another 7 years to really understand. Wait a minute.
Whirling Rainbow:I got some I got some juice, baby.
St. James:Fuck. Yeah. You do. I know. Yeah.
St. James:I mean, there's the part where we want to believe that we live in this rational, logical society and culture. And what I will only say is that it's only relatively recently that we've started to recognize that we like to think we're rational beings because we like to think with our heads. We also like to live with our heads and actually feel with our heads and know, you know, that emotions actually drive the vast majority of our behavior, that our instinctual senses that are actually real, and the head will talk us out of them. I mean, when when you were saying earlier on trust your vision, I was I wanted to ask you actually, do you also mean, like, trust your instincts? Like, oh, oh, this actually doesn't feel good.
St. James:But my head's saying he's a nice guy, so I'm gonna continue the conversation because I really shouldn't listen to that sense that says this doesn't feel safe. Or like, and we're taught to suppress that. Well, that's most of the fucking witchy shit. Is that recognizing the head is great with 1+1 equals 2. The head absolutely sucks with, what do I actually feel about this person?
St. James:What is this emotion? And the head wants to name it all, but sometimes the name is super complicated because there isn't a name for the particular mix that you're feeling. Sadness, grief, anger. You know? Whatever.
St. James:Yeah. You know? And
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. And so I'm I'm gonna cut you off that.
St. James:Sure.
Whirling Rainbow:Because I'm gonna bring it back to something you said that I'd I'd really like to get on the record.
St. James:Oh, go.
Whirling Rainbow:Which was the piece about, you can only process I'll paraphrase, process the emotions that you're aware of and that you've had experienced and that you know how to process. You said something earlier about that.
St. James:I did. There's 2 pieces that I I will I'll I'll riff on that if if I may. There's there's 2 pieces of things that I've learned. You can actually only experience an emotion that you actually have the name for.
Whirling Rainbow:Okay. Yes.
St. James:That's one of them.
Whirling Rainbow:That's an important distinction. I'm glad
St. James:to hear that. Like like and I'm actually gonna go back to like they did this particular survey where they asked a large number of people of a particular community. I think it was Americans to name 3 different emotions, and they could name 3. Happy, angry, and sad. That was it.
St. James:And that was the exactly. So if those if that is in fact the color palette
Whirling Rainbow:that you're in That's the spectrum we're
St. James:dealing with. Yeah. Oh my god. Exactly. It's like I'm either happy, I'm angry, or I'm sad.
St. James:You're like, wow. And, like, you know, that's actually Brene Brown actually did this amazing work, Atlas of the Heart, where she tried to identify. I think she came up with, like, 81 or 87 specific distinct layers of
Whirling Rainbow:Can we get it can we give some acknowledgement to the work this woman has done?
St. James:Oh my god. She's brought so much of this into the common conversation. The talks about vulnerability, the talks about shame, the talks about all of these things. We now have the words.
Whirling Rainbow:I would love a panel with Brene Brown and Elon Musk.
St. James:Oh, you know, don't do that to me. That was like getting my nipples hard and then like, whoo, flops wet.
Whirling Rainbow:Waa.
St. James:Waa. Waa. Waa. Exactly. Like, oh, okay.
St. James:I have
Whirling Rainbow:to learn the panel.
St. James:I have
Whirling Rainbow:to learn the panel.
St. James:Oh my god. That's brilliant. But, you know, so we need to be able to understand the richness of that experience so that we can say, okay. I'm not just sad. I'm disappointed.
St. James:You know, I'm not just sad. I'm actually feeling grief. I'm not just angry. I'm actually angry, but the anger is there because I was feeling hurt. You know, like, all that, like and until we can actually have those understandings of ourselves, we can actually have the conversations and actually discuss them and understand what's actually going on.
St. James:So there's that piece of actually needing to understand the profound, like, rainbow of nuance of our culture.
Whirling Rainbow:Here it comes again.
St. James:I said it on purpose. I was like, I could use I could've said spectrum, but I decided to go with it.
Whirling Rainbow:I like it's it's a synonym in this world.
St. James:Absolutely.
Whirling Rainbow:Right.
St. James:And then the other piece of the thing that I was talking about earlier was the bit of we can only learn to regulate, meaning sit with an emotion and actually be able to sit with it without exploding or suppressing. We can only regulate those motions that we can actually allow ourselves to feel. No. So until we can actually both recognize that emotion, name it, and understand it, and then allow ourselves to sit with the discomfort of what that emotion feels like so that it is less discomfort, so that it can actually move through us without even getting lodged, and lodged in our system, lodged in our body. And like I said, either exploded or suppressed when we can sit with that uncomfortable wherever it is in the body feeling, then we can actually learn to regulate it so that when it comes up, we actually can actually work with it in conversation.
St. James:I'm feeling this as opposed to fuck you or I am shutting down, you know.
Whirling Rainbow:So Which are the common responses.
St. James:Exactly. That's usually what we do with the feelings. Like, oh, this feeling's hot and hard. Now I'm gonna just push that right down so that I don't look like a bad person in public, you know, whatever.
Whirling Rainbow:I mean, it's funny. I'll bring my parents back into this. I definitely felt more like a child. And it's hard because I feel like I've done a lot of work, but yet I still have super hard time to your point identifying. But but now that you say this I give myself a little more room.
Whirling Rainbow:It's like well I didn't even know I was experiencing. I didn't know what to name it.
St. James:Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:And then I needed my mom's help to translate it. And once I figured out what it was, then I could sit down and find a way to express it to my father. Mhmm. And some of it was just well, I was feeling this. I couldn't even describe the emotion I had to relate it to, an analogy.
Whirling Rainbow:Right. Like, when you said this, it made me feel like this.
St. James:Right.
Whirling Rainbow:Right?
St. James:Right.
Whirling Rainbow:And I I don't know. What what would you call that emotion?
St. James:What do you mean?
Whirling Rainbow:Well, in my situation so I'll give you more of the context. Right? It's like my dad true. He commented on my OCD ness.
St. James:Oh, that part.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. Like, what what would that emotion be? What was I feeling in that moment? Not hurt is
St. James:Well, hurt is is part of it. I mean, you were you were there was a part and so, like, one of the things about talking about emotions is we should not be talking about intellectual or behavioral things. So when someone says I feel judged, you can't feel judged, but you can feel hurt by being judged. You know what I mean? That that kind of thing.
St. James:So, somebody once gave me the thing. If it ends in an ed, it's not an actual feeling. It's a lived experience, which is different. It's not a 100%. I don't I wanna make that very clear.
St. James:Sometimes those words do end in ed.
Whirling Rainbow:But but it's a good way of
St. James:Is is it like I feel rejected? It's like, no. You can't feel rejected, but you can have the experience and what that feels like is lonely and sad and hurt and, you know, wounded is one of the ones that you can actually but again, that's another paraphrase for hurt. Yeah. You know, so those are the actual feelings and the experience was of being rejected.
Whirling Rainbow:But I think what you're saying is is important. Right? To separate the experience from the feeling because
St. James:Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:To use you the way out is to be able to sit with that emotion, validate it and let it go.
St. James:A 100%.
Whirling Rainbow:Right? That's Tuesdays with more.
St. James:Exactly. Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:But I remember that because it's a very simple formula but I was I think where I ran into the challenges to what you just said is, like, I couldn't validate it because I didn't know what I was validating.
St. James:Exactly. So yeah. So, like, in that piece with your dad specifically, I've like, behaviorally, I feel like he was being dismissive of your experience and your your expressions. I feel like he was being judgmental. I think he was also deflecting from his own experiences of being OCD and then transferring it on to you.
St. James:And so therefore, your experience, your behaviors, your desires, or expressions were just based on this thing that he's unregulated about and that he is not particularly having a handle on. And so, therefore, we're just gonna use the the, projection onto you of what that experience was because for him, that's what it would have been. And so there's that piece where you are actually being the screen for his projector, which means also he wasn't actually seeing you. He he was seeing the reflection of himself in that moment.
Whirling Rainbow:I think what you said at that last minute was really what I was feeling. Mhmm. Right?
St. James:You were no longer present. You were no longer who he was seeing in that moment.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. And then vice versa when I couldn't express what that was. I didn't it's it's a continuation. Mhmm. Right?
Whirling Rainbow:As opposed to being able to only when I able to step
St. James:It took your voice away.
Whirling Rainbow:Yes.
St. James:And it took you to that place as a child where you didn't have a voice.
Whirling Rainbow:Oh, okay.
St. James:So so on a Guess I'm getting a finger point.
Whirling Rainbow:On a con on a confession. On a confession. I think somewhere and it's funny because I think my my sole purpose in life is this.
St. James:Hell, yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:And we'll see where it goes. But this is my purpose is to have a voice. Because I I know in humanity, not every soul gets the chance to have a voice. Some people do.
St. James:I would say everyone has the opportunity to have a voice. Yes. Many people actually don't get the opportunity to choose their voice or understand what their voice. Obviously, there are situations where it's not safe to use your voice, and it's also not safe to remove yourself from those situations. But I think a lot of people also then, oh, use your voice is the same thing as being aggressively assertive in your shithead itself, and that's actually also not it.
Whirling Rainbow:My simple definition is I live in a I have a sacred space. Mhmm. I feel safe. Mhmm. I'm not worried about my safety even if it becomes unsafe, and I will continue to speak from the heart.
Whirling Rainbow:That is my voice.
St. James:That's actually your safe space. Yeah. It's your heart that you get to speak from. Knowing that that is sacred, that's your sacred safe space.
Whirling Rainbow:Well, I'm glad I teed you up for that.
St. James:You're welcome, And thank you. Alright. Softball right at the yeah. That was that was okay. That was that was hitting my sweet spot
Whirling Rainbow:right now. I'm gonna check-in because we are at 47 minutes.
St. James:Oh, That's our time.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. And, well, I think I I think we got what we needed.
St. James:Absolutely. Because I got to bypass any confessions. I couldn't think of shit.
Whirling Rainbow:Nothing? Nothing?
St. James:You know, I mean, the only thing that I can think of are the places where I've hurt people because I was hurt. Yeah. And and I just I still think with immense sadness of the people that I rejected who probably could have used my compassion because I didn't have it for myself. And I'm so sorry for all of the places where I can look back in my life in high school and junior high where I had no fucking idea who and what I was. And I certainly didn't have this thing.
St. James:And I think about the people that I didn't have the space to show up for. And, you know, most people, like, my group of friends are like, oh my god. You were the most amazing compassion person there. And I'm like, that does not speak well to the average 14 year old boy. So, you know, let's start with that.
St. James:But also, when I like I've said, I've run into people that I knew back at that age. And they're like, yeah, I always wish we could have been better friends. And I sorrow that I wasn't at the place where I could have actually shown up in that way. And I'm not sure if this is penance and atonement or if it's just merely an acknowledgment that as one of my favorite author says, you know, when we did the best we could at the time and when we knew better, we did better. And thank you, Maya Angelou, for that bit of grace and forgiveness.
Whirling Rainbow:That's not an author. That's a prophet.
St. James:Well, goddess.
Whirling Rainbow:She is a fucking goddess.
St. James:Yeah. Big time.
Whirling Rainbow:Thank you. I think that is a great way to close out this episode. Oh, whatever. I don't even know what this fuck. This thing.
St. James:This thing we're doing.
Whirling Rainbow:This thing we're gonna do. Yeah. The thing we're doing.
St. James:I love it. With puppies in tow.
Whirling Rainbow:So the only thing I will leave because it is a week of trusting your vision Uh-huh. Is a statement of gratitude.
St. James:Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:For I I don't know. Dragon on my back.
St. James:Oh my god. It's gorgeous.
Whirling Rainbow:It's gorgeous. So I'm a new deck. Double dragon double drag enter the dragons. Uh-huh. Year of the dragon that was yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:I know.
St. James:I don't know about that.
Whirling Rainbow:It's a rebirth year for me. So I went from the goat, which was a lot
St. James:Yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:To the to the dragon. Yeah. You get hey, if if you're making up the fucking thing
St. James:You might as well fucking, like, stage this out because, yeah, we're, like, we're both. Yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:Oh, this is gonna go in the graphic novel for sure. I'm gonna make a graphic novel over my life. That's my new version of the Bible. I don't want I don't want people fucking it up to stuff.
St. James:I want pictures. Yes, exactly. Yeah.
Whirling Rainbow:Plus, I I somewhere in my mind, I realized that that is the best way to spread propaganda. At least propaganda that I want
St. James:Exactly.
Whirling Rainbow:In this world.
St. James:But kind of it feeds connection rather than division.
Whirling Rainbow:It's so it's not simp simple as hard. It is simple, but it is hard.
St. James:If it were easy, everyone would do it. But it is simple.
Whirling Rainbow:It is simple. Yeah. Well, that's my intention is to keep impeccable with my word.
St. James:Okay.
Whirling Rainbow:That that's the that's where I've come at the end of my week working with confession.
St. James:Brilliant. I love that.
Whirling Rainbow:And the Hail Marys. Everybody needs a fucking Hail Mary.
St. James:Oh my god. Completely. Yeah. I have I'm what do I have? I think the thing that I want to focus on first of all, I'm just so grateful to be here, and I'm so grateful to be here.
St. James:I mean, like, literally, physically here, emotionally here, doing what I'm doing, completely blowing up my life and rebuilding it all over again just because, yes, I can.
Whirling Rainbow:With flaming fucking purple hair.
St. James:Oh, my flaming purple hair and, you know, you know, pick nail polish and and just, like, own in all of who I am including, you know, coming out with my own neurodiversity is and all that. So I'm like deep gratitude for me finally learning to show up for myself. I wanna move forward with as much kindness and as much purpose and as much just showing up for people and meeting them where they are including myself because I'm really liking this. Me too. Yeah.
St. James:Superman. Abso fucking lutely.
Whirling Rainbow:You're you're my Superman and I'm and I'm Batman.
St. James:Oh my gosh. Yes. You are.
Whirling Rainbow:I'm so Batman.
St. James:You are so Batman.
Whirling Rainbow:I love being the dark knight.
St. James:You are the dark knight. You're gonna yeah. Absolutely.
Whirling Rainbow:Sun.
St. James:It is. I'm I'm here for the shadow work. Absolutely. But you are nailing this stuff. It's awesome.
St. James:Yep.
Whirling Rainbow:Yeah. We're gonna have a good time.
St. James:I think we are.
Whirling Rainbow:Alright. I need a end song, but I don't have one. So I'm gonna pick a button and see what happens.
St. James:Oh my god.
Whirling Rainbow:Oh. Alright. And we're out.
